Old and New Jokes

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. I want to say that its been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know youve all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a B for the course.

There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.

As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, Any one else? This is your last chance.

One final student rose up and took the offer.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. Im glad to see you believe in yourself. he said. You all have As.

The young lady entered the doctors office carrying an infant. Doctor, she explained, the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girls breasts.

He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.

Young lady, he finally announced, no wonder the baby is losing weight, you havent any milk!

Of course not! she shrieked. Its not my child, its my sisters!

Once there were 3 hunters. one day, 1 of the hunters comes with a buck. the other 2 ask him, how did you get that buck? he replied, i followed the tracks, i followed the tracks. bam! i shot a buck. the next day, another of the hunters came with a doe. the last hunter asked,: how did you get that doe? i followed the tracks, i followed the tracks. bam! i shot a deer! the next day, the last hunter came back with bumps and bruises. the other 2 hunters ask, how did you get those bumps and bruises? he replied, i followed the tracks, i followed the tracks. bam! i got hit by a train!

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Dont let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this wont be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

A newlywed husband initiated sexual activiity with his bride every night by turning to her and asking if she would like to do the laundry.

One night after more than a year, she replies in the negative for the first time, pleading a headache.

In the morning, feeling quite guilty over her failure to meet her husbands needs, she asks him if he would like to do the laundry to which he replies:

No thanks, it was a small load, I did it by hand

A long time ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome.
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made
a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish
community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews
would have to leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly man
named Moshe to represent them. Rabbi Moshe did not speak Latin. In fact, he
knew very little, but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the
Jewish community.
The Pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other
for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moshe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Moshe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can
stay.
An hour later, the cardinals gathered all around the Pope asking him what
happened.
The Pope said: First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one
God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show
him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the
wafer to show that God absolved us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to
remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I
do?
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moshe. What happened?
they asked.
Well, said Moshe, first he says to me, You Jews have three days to get
out of here. So I said to him, Up yours. Then he tells me the whole city
would be cleared of Jews. So

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.

Because, the man says,I live in a two-story house.



The Judge replies, What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?



The man answers, Well Judge, one story is I have a headache and the other story is Its that time of the month.

I think,

I think I am,



Therefore I am,



I think.

Its not an optical illusion it just looks like one.

– Phil White