Old and New Jokes

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, Say, father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well Ill be. the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. Im very sorry. I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?

I dont have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV ads, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”“Well,” said Johnny, “I dont know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

What is the difference between MechanicalEngineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, CivilEngineers build targets.

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!

Why is Italy shapped like a boot?

– Because they cant fit all
that crap in a tennis shoe.

So … the other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies Night

Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.

The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put

it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls

the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt

cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend

pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the

$50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the

attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?

I got out my wallet, thought for a minute … and then the financial

analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the

crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:

Congressional Virus v

2.0 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesnt allow the user to accomplish anything.

Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Warren Commission Virus : Wont allow you to open your files for 75 years.

David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.

Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Texas Virus : Makes sure its bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

Airline Virus : Youre in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS Virus : Your PC stops what its doing every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.

Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,

500.

LAPD Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in self-defence.

Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, I am saved! to the screen.

Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus wont harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

And finally…

JokeGalore.com Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

Una pareja atravesaba por una crisis económica, por lo que el marido le informa a la mujer que la única solución es que ella trabaje en la calle, no sin antes advertirle que él se encargaría de los asuntos monetarios.

La mujer accede y acuerdan pararse en una esquina. Él se esconde detrás de unos matorrales, y ella comienza a hacer señas a los automovilistas.

Un BMW se detiene, y el tipo le pregunta cuánto cobra. Ella va detrás de los matorrales a preguntarle a su marido cuánto puede cobrar.

El marido al ver el auto le dice que cobre 200 dólares.

El automovilista accede, pero al revisar su billetera se da cuenta que sólo tiene 130 dólares.

Ella va donde el marido y le informa que el tipo tiene sólo 130 dólares. El marido le indica que por ese precio únicamente puede darle una chupadita.

La mujer le comunica al individuo la decisión del marido y éste acepta. Al comenzar a sacarle el pito, la mujer se da cuenta que lo tiene de buen tamaño. Piensa un poco, se baja del auto y va con el marido: oye, ¿tienes 70 dólares que me prestes?

Un cura está dando misa y va a empezar su sermón:

Hermanos, hoy vamos a hablar de la mentira y de los mentirosos. ¿Cuántos de ustedes recuerdan lo que dice el capítulo 32 de San Lucas?

Todo el mundo levanta la mano; entonces, el sacerdote continúa:

Bueno, a eso me refiero. El evangelio de San Lucas sólo tiene 24 capítulos.