Old and New Jokes

Baby dragons

hcgcltglpdf,gl

A
guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts
drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking
so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if
you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?



So youve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, youve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. Whats so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:



THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.



Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves.



True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.



2. How And When to Get Your Humans Attention



Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.



Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.



Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want: Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good its something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.



Waking your human at odd hours: A cats golden time is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your humans sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.



3. Punishing Your Human Being



Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU.



Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives: * Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.



* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.



* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.



* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.



* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.



4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?



The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after theyve been presented.



After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbors Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your humans face, youll know its worth it.



5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?



You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? Theyre humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

He makes the firefly.

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word tragedy.

Well, one girl replied, If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!

The President smiled at the little girl and said, No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!

The President shook his head and said, No son. That would be a great loss! Doesnt anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?

A small girl raised her hand and said, Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!

Very good, he said. And what was your reason for that answer?

Well, she said, It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!

Q….

OK, theres a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit the ground first?

A….

The brunette, because the other two dont exist!

Sung to the tune of Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)

Day-O…oh Day-O,

Air force come and they flatten your home

Run Mr Taliban, we know where youre hiding,

Air force come and they flatten your home

Hey USA, USA, USA…

Air force come and they flatten you home

60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,

Air force come and they flatten your home

Old Uncle Sams pissed, he aint no quitter,

Air force come and they flatten your home

When we finish you all be crying,

Air force come and they flatten your home,

Pilot is brother of New York fireman

Air force come and they flatten your home

There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the door and said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? The girl said that her name was Pattie.

Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? She said that her name was Pattie also.

At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? The woman piped up and said, His name is Ross and he is my son. She continued, He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him. The bus driver replied, No problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him really good in the mirror.

At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? The little boy replied, My name is Lester Cleese.

Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.

The man replied: Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus.

Screen – What is a must during black fly season