Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, Well, youve been such a good guy, and your invention … the assembly line for the automobiles … changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.
Ford thinks about it, and says, I want to hang out with God Himself.
So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, When you invented woman, what were you thinking?
God asks, What do you mean?
Well, says Ford, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
Theres too much front end protrusion.
It chatters way too much at high speeds.
Maintenance is extremely high.
It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
The rear end wobbles too much.
The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
The headlights are usually too small.
Fuel consumption is outrageous.
Just to name a few.
Hmmmm…, replies God, hold on a minute. God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford and says, It may be that my invention is flawed, but, according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
You might be a redneck if your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand!
Posted in Redneck |
A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.
It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her you have the nicest breasts. She says thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you.
He replies I would pay you $10 just to see one of them. She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.
He says Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw….I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time.
She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says your best friend just stopped by. He answers Great did he leave the $20 he owed me
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A bunch of Cardinals got together with the Pope and decided that they wanted to have a golf game against the other religions. The only problem was that none of the cardinals were very good golfers.
One Cardninal turned to the Pope and suggested, We could get Tiger Woods and ordane him as a Cardinal. He would ensure our victory.
Thats a great idea, said the Pope.
A few weeks later, the cardinals returned from their golf game and the Pope was anxiously awaiting the news of the match.
So, how did it go? asked the Pope.
One of the cardinals replied, Well, it went alright. We played pretty well, but we lost.
How could you lose? We had Tiger Woods as our secret weapon. gasped the Pope.
The cardinal shook his head and replied, Tiger lost to Rabbi Greg Norman!
Posted in Golf |
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Howard!
Howard who?
Howard can it be to guess a Knock Knock
joke?
Posted in Knock-knock |
La mujer está con su amante en la cama y de repente llega el marido a la casa. A toda prisa mete al amante, desnudo, en el armario. Llega el marido al dormitorio y le reclama a su mujer:
¿Y estos pantalones?
Te los regaló tu madre en la pasada Navidad.
¿Mi madre?
¡Claro, como te emborrachaste ya ni te acuerdas!
¿Y esta camisa?
Tu hermana te la regaló en tu cumpleaños.
¿Mi hermana?
¡SÃ, como es normal bebiste y ya no te acuerdas!
¿Y esta corbata?
Te la regalé yo por nuestro aniversario de boda, pero, claro, ¡nunca te fijas en las cosas que te regalo!
Si tú lo dices.
En eso, el esposo abre el armario y encuentra al amante que está desnudo. Éste se dirige al cornudo:
¿Tú te has creÃdo todo lo que te ha dicho tu mujer?
Pues sÃ, responde el marido.
¡Pues venga, cierra la puerta que voy para el cuarto piso!
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.
Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system –
Will the gentleman on the ladys tee please move back to the mens tee.
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.
The Voice again – Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!
He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,
Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the ladys tee can hit his second shot!
Posted in Golf |
Two scuba divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of the water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, Its those Buccaneers!!!
To which the other replies, Yeah, mine are hurting too!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, Get me a beer before it starts!
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, Get me another beer before it starts!
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, Quick, get me another beer, its going to start any minute!
The wife is furious. She yells at him Is that all youre going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! Youre nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…
The man sighs and says, Its started…
Posted in General / Unsorted |