This is a true story. Last night I was in a minor accident on the
highway. We both pulled off to the side and as soon as I smelled the other
guys breath it was obvious he had been smoking pot. When the cops finally
showed up, I told one of them this and he said, and just how do you know
what pot smells like? I told him I used to use it before I was nominated
to the Supreme Court.
Roy Smith, System Administrator
Public Health Research Institute
In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. – Elizabeth Ashley
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. – Honore de Balzac
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. – Ray Bandy
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. – Baskins
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabors sixth husband. I know what Im supposed to do, but I dont know how to make it interesting. – Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce
The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. – Ambrose Bierce
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. – David Bissonette
Ah Mozart! He was happily married – but his wife wasnt. – Borge
In the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kates allurements smitten, I lovd her late, I lovd her soon, And calld her dearest kitten.
But now my kittens grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. – James Boswell Life of Johnson
A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. – Boudelaire
For a male and female to live continuously together is…biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. – Robert Briffault
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. – Lenny Bruce
Never tell. Not if you love your wife… In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and shell believe it: Im tellin ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck Lay on Top of Me Or Ill Die. I didnt know what I was gonna do… – Lenny Bruce
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. – Al Bundy
Nothing says lovin like marrying your cousin! – Al Bundy
Once a boy becomes a man, hes a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. – Al Bundy
I hate work. Thats why I got married. – Peg Bundy
I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. – Peg Bundy
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. – Archie Bunker
In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. – Butler
If you are afraid of loneliness, dont marry. – Chekhov
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. – G. K. Chesterton
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. – S. T. Coleridge
Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?
Because you have a short stop between second and third.
Source: AFP
ANKARA (02-10) – A 52-year-old Turkish man was shot in the leg by his own son over his intentions to have a penis transplant from a donkey.
On two previous occasions Mehmet Esirgen, 52, purchased two donkeys, amputated their sexual organs and appealed in vain to medical doctors to perform a penis transplant in order to cure his sexual impotence.
His family, opposed to Esirgens intentions, became hysterical when he purchased a third donkey on his way home from Ankara and one of his sons shot him in the leg.
For a long time now I have had sexual problems and I have spent all my pension funds to overcome them, said Esirgen. He plans to buy a fourth donkey as soon as he recovers from his leg wound.
Great Reasons To Be A Guy!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters dont rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You dont have to learn to spell a new last name. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: He must be mad at me. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. (WHAT????LOL..DD) Wedding dress — $
2000. Tuxedo rental — 75 bucks. You dont mooch off others desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, So, notice anything different? You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public, unless you play professional ball, and then for some reason its okay. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You dont have to shave below your neck. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can do your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Lounger
Youve seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts
of contraptions. Well, theres no need to invest in fancy equipment.
If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to
get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere,
anytime.
Inner Thighs: Place the dogs favorite toy between thighs. Press
tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged – dogs who
favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be
damaged.
Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog – off the couch, off the bed, out
of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this
exercise is reversed – onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and
so on.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from
unsuitable tight places. If theyre too small for him, theyre
certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your
dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air,
and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs)
Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops
ringing.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs,
attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your
couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.
Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee.
Repeat until nauseous.
Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock.
Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all
know which comes first).
Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dogs locked jaw. This
exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat.
Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick
and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet,
which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming
clenches.
Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a
circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back.
WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small
dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?
Calves: (alternate) Run after dog – pick any reason, there are
plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds
are inadvisable.
Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for
your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A
dog is never too old or too feeble to French Kiss you when you
least expect it.
This could be considered THE ideal world for many men:
His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.
His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, Religion?
The man says, Methodist.
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. Religion?
Baptist.
Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.
A third man arrives at the gates. Religion?
Jewish.
Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.
The man says, I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?
St. Peter tells him, Well the Jehovahs Witnesses are in room 8, and they think theyre the only ones here.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.