A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, she said.
What do you mean? he asked.
Well, everyone kept yelling, Get the quarter back!
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, Mmmmm, I smell sausage.
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldnt because of the two bigger moles.
The baby mole said, The only thing I can smell is molasses!
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentines Day.
Since Valentines day is for a Christian saint and were Jewish, he asks, will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Davids father thinks a bit then says, No, I dont think God would get mad. But who do you want to give a valentine to?
Osama Bin Laden, David says.
Why Osama Bin Laden? his father asks in shock.
Well, David says, I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe were not all bad and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, hed love everyone a lot. And then hed start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didnt hate anyone anymore.
His fathers heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. David, thats the most wonderful thing Ive ever heard.
I know, David says. And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him!
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? Their middle name.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, Im here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and Im using some of the insurance money for this trip.
Thats quite a coincidence, said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. How do you start a flood? he asked.
Jack is waiting for the lottery draw one week and
cant believe his luck. Six numbers, the jackpot
and hes the only winner. He phones the lottery
organizers who invite him down to an award ceremony.
So there he is, at the press conference with the
photographers and the oversized novelty check etc…
when a lottery spokesman pulls him aside. Jack,
he says, were having a bit of trouble with the
prizes this week. Whats that, Jack asks. Well,
a hell of a lot of people had three and four numbers
and were really short on cash because of it. Now I
know were meant to be given you the whole 10
million today but, and here me out, how about we
give you 4 million this week, 3 million the week
after, then 2 million the week after that and well
give you the other million in the fourth week. How
does that sound?
Jack stops and says, Look if your going to screw
around then you can give me my dollar back now.
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert? he asked.Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you? asked the Scout Master.Timmy replied: A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.Whys that Timmy?Well, answered Timmy, the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration…And what about the deck of cards? asked the Scout Master impatiently.Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, Put that red nine on top of that black ten.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.