A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him: Well, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news for you.
Give me the bad news first, Doc. says the patient. Im afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son. Oh my god! the patient cries, breaking into tears. But the good news, the doctor adds, is that we had them biopsied and youll be relieved to know that they werent malignant!
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?" "Im from Ireland." "Me too! Ill drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Me too! Ill drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Dublin are you from?" "The East Side." "The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! Ill drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more."Where on the East Side are you from?" "McDonagh Street." "Me too! This is incredible! Ill drink to that." As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "Thats amazing! I cant believe theyre from the same street in Dublin. Whats going on?" "Oh, its nothing amazing," says the bartender,"its just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
Special High Intensity Training – S.H.I.T.
MEMORANDUM
TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.
Thank You.
Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT)
A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back passage.
The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfort but endures the pain.
Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some KY-Jelly.
Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second suppository. Sure enough, he cant reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do.
The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror.
Whats the matter? asks his wife. Did I hurt you?
No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders.
A couple of Redneck hunters in the rural south are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesnt seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, My friend is dead! What can I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure hes dead.
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guys voice comes back on the line. He says, OK, now what?
So your daughters a hooker,
and it spoiled your day …
Look at the bright side,
shes a really good lay.
My tire was thumping …
I thought it was flat …
when I looked at the tire …
I noticed your cat … Sorry
You had your bladder removed
and youre on the mends …
heres a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
Youve announced that youre gay,
wont that be a laugh,
when they find out youre one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you …
How upset you must be …
But dont fret about it …
She moved in with me
Your computer is dead …
it was once so alive …
Do you regret installing
Win 95?
You totalled your car …
and cant remember why …
could it have been …
that case of Bud Dry?
Erik Williams, 21, of the 3600 block of South Michigan Avenue, was arrested in Chicago on May 18 and charged with sexually assaulting (forced fellatio) a 42-year-old woman.
The victim arrived at a police station in the early morning hours clutching, in her hand, testicles that she had just bitten off.
At about the same time, Williams showed up at Michael Reese Hospital missing his testicles.
Doctors confirmed that the testicles were Williams but were unable to reattach them.
A man and a woman, who have never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1:00 a.m., he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, Maam, Im sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? Im awfully cold.I have a better idea, she replied. Just for tonight, lets pretend that were married.Wow! Thats a great idea!! he exclaimedGood, she replied. Get your own damn blanket!After a moment of silence, he farted.
486 – The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state – of – the – art computer you cant afford.
Obsolete – Any computer you own.
Microsecond – The time it takes for your State – of – the – art computer to become obsolete.
Syntax Error – Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
GUI (pronounced gooey) – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Computer Chip – Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.
Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Hard Drive- The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.
Portable Computer – A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.
Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.
You ever called your sister Mom and didnt have to correct yourself.
The directions to your bathroom include, Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.
Youre in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.