Old and New Jokes

A doctor called up a fellow and said, Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.

The guy says, Yes, thats right. Is there anything wrong?

Well, the doctor replies, heres the thing. Theres another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife.

Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer’s.

Oh, my God, the man said, what will I do, doc?

Well, Ive been giving this some thought, said the doctor, and heres what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.

Then what? says the distraught man.

Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DONT FUCK HER!

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell.

Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door.

The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms.

The priest asks him, How can you ring the bell?

The man said, Let me show you.

So they went up to the top of the bell tower and the man started hitting the bell with his head.

The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, and then he goes flying through the window.

Two more priests come running and ask, What happened? Who was that?

The second priest said, I dont know but that face sure rings a bell!

Estos eran 3 amigos, Héctor, Luis y Raúl.

Luis y Héctor se enteraron de que la mamá de Raúl había muerto y no sabían como darle la noticia a su amigo.

Entonces Héctor le dice a Luis, Yo la verdad soy muy güey para estas cosas, mejor dile tú.

Luis se la pasa pensando la manera de decirle hasta que se le ocurre algo, lo va a buscar y le pregunta:

¿Oye Raúl, tu que preferirías ¿que se muriera mi mamá o tu mamá?

Después de pensarlo Raúl contesta: Pues tu mamá.

Y Luis le dice Andele, ya ves, ¡por ojete se murió tu mamá!

Un hombre va a visitar a su esposa que llevaba varios anos en coma. En esta visita decide acariciarle el pecho izquierdo en vez de solo hablarle.

Haciendo esto, a ella se le escapa un suspiro.

El hombre sale corriendo para decírselo al doctor, y le dice que es una buena señal y que pruebe a acariciarle el pecho derecho.

El hombre entra en la habitación, le acaricia el derecho y esto hace que suspire aun mas fuerte. El doctor le sugiere al hombre que vaya dentro y que pruebe con sexo oral a ver si con eso se despierta.

El hombre entra, y sale a los cinco minutos diciéndole al doctor que su mujer está muerta.

El doctor le pregunta que ha pasado, a lo que el hombre le esponde:

Se ha ahogado, doctor.

What did one Lesbian frog say to the other Lesbian frog?

You know what…we DO taste like chicken!

Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition!

In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.

A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.

We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.

One of my teachers always jokes around with us and during class and all the kids talk about his personal life. And one day during class our teacher bent over to pick his pen up and his hiney was all up in my friends face.

And my teachers favorite student said Hey MR.******, why are you wearing a thong, and then everyone started saying things like hes wearing a pink frilly thong! or it has to be XXL! And then Mr.****** said loudly My personal life is none of yalls buisness!Alright? And every one, including me said no! And Mr.****** said Me and my thong aint none of yalls buisness! Clearly Mr****** just admitted that he wears a thong! Everyone busted out laughing, and our teacher was REALLY blushing! LOL!!!