Old and New Jokes

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say…he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body. He did not say, Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.

[This was posted on a bulletin board in a dorm at UNL. I dont know who
wrote it, sorry.]

The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.

Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.

Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club
into the hole while keeping the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before
allowing play to commence.

Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length,
so as to avoid damage to the course.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible,
until the course owner is satisfied.

Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by
the course owner.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the
course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
recently to the owner of the course presently being played.

If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is
advised to find alternate means of play.

It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times
in one match.

Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.

It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players,
or even that you have played the course.

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray this cushy life to keep

I pray for toys that look like mice

and warm cushions soft and nice

For grocery bags where I can hide

Just like a tiger croucched inside

I pray for gourmet kitty snacks

and someone nice to scratch my back

For window sills all warm and bright

for shadows to explore by night

I pray Ill always stay real cool

and keep the secret feline rule

To never tell a human that

The world is really run by cats.

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the f*** is yours? Do we point at our crotch when we ask where the toilet is?

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say, Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Piss off. What good is a goddamn cake if you cant eat it?

When people say, Its always in the last place youd look. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after youve found it? Do some people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie, Did you see that? No, shit-for-brains, I paid $15 to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask, Can I ask you a question? dont really give you a choice, do they?

When something is new and improved – which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going, say: You should know, arse hole, you pulled me over.

A blonde is on board a small two seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!

Ground control receive her call for help and answers back:

Dont worry, madam. Ill talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position

Im 52 and sitting in the front

En el kinder iba a haber una fiesta y la madre Teresa, la directora, envío un recado a las mamás para que fueran disfrazadas y divirtieran a sus hijos.

Llegado el día de la fiesta, se abre el telón del teatro escolar y empiezan a desfilar las señoras con disfraces propios de la ocasión: una mamá iba de conejita, otra de ratoncita, otra de florecita, y así. De pronto, ante la consternación de las maestras y las demás señoras, aparece en escena una mamá que llevaba falda hasta el muslo, blusa con escote muy pronunciado, medias negras de malla con raya atrás, bolsa de lentejuela, zapatos de tacón dorado con cordones hasta las piernas, boa de plumas y fumando en larga boquilla.

Al acabar la representación la directora corre, desolada, y le reclama a la señora:

¿Qué disfraz es ese, señora? ¿Por qué vino usted así?

Madre, vine disfrazada de lo que usted me dijo en el recado que me mandó. Vine disfrazada de puta fina.

¡De Pitufina, señora!, exclama la monja, ¡De Pitufina!

Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible churchs focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: The Chicago Tribune, March 5

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?

Yes, the golfer responded.

Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?

Yes, I did. How did you know? he asked.

Well, said the policeman very seriously, Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a drivers windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldnt make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…

I think Ill close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.

A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.

Walk him and pitch to the Rhino.