Old and New Jokes

Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Dont worship it. Feed it.

A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

Linda Tripp and and Ken Starr were cruising along a country road one
evening when a cow ran in front of the car. Ken tried to avoid it but
couldnt.

The cow was killed.

Linda told Ken to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
happened. About an hour later he staggered back to the car with his
clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a
cigar in the other and smiling happily.

What happened? asked Linda.

Well, Ken shyly replied the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me
the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.

My God, what did you tell them? asked Linda.

The driver replied: That I was giving Linda Tripp a ride, and I just
killed the cow.

Sparky

There was a hooker with a bunch of other hookers. The police came, and said for all of the girls to line up.

The the hookers gramma came and said Why are all of you girls lined up?

The girl didnt want her gramma to know what she did for a living so the girl said Were lined up to buy oranges

The police talked to every girl individually, and when they got to gramma the police said How do you do it, youre so old?!?

Gramma says – Its easy, just peel it down and suck it dry!

lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, Okay, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you $50 figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blondes attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?

The blonde doesnt say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, its the blondes turn. She asks the lawyer: What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,

Well, so what IS the answer?


Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

A man was in his bed dying, slipping in and out of consciousness, and his wife came into the room with his doctor and the parish priest.

Mrs. Kelleher, you realize that the bill for my services is $1000, the doctor said.

Fine, Ill see to it that its paid from the insurance.

And, dont forget, Doreen, the funeral and casket will cost $1000, the priest said.

Dont worry, Father, Ill see to it that youre paid as well.

The three walked over to the bed and the doctor stood on one side of the man and the priest stood on the other. He opened his eyes and saw the two men there, and said, Father, would you tell the people at my funeral that I died as Jesus died?

Do you mean pure of heart and poor in spirit, Tom?

No, I mean between two thieves.

After having their eleventh child, a couple from the country
named Bubba and Mary Sue decided that enough was enough,
(they couldnt afford a larger doublewide). So Bubba went
to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he
and his wife/cousin didnt want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

Bubba later said to Mary Sue, I may not be the smartest man,
but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me. So, the couple drove to
Kentucky to get a second opinion. The physician was just
about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when
he noticed they were from Tennessee. The doctor instead told
the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it
in a beer can, hold it up to his ear and count to ten.

Figgerin that BOTH learned physicians couldnt be wrong, Bubba
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…,
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and resumed counting on his other hand.

They were involved in a TWAIN-wreck.(trainwreck)

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, Youre really doing great, arent you?

The man replied, Just doing what you said Doctor, Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.

The Doctor said, I didnt say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.