Old and New Jokes

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.

Estaba un granjero sentado junto a su granero, desesperado porque había un topo que ya tres años seguidos había arruinado su cosecha entera, y era tan escurridizo que nunca lo podia atrapar, cuando de repente recuerda que vio un anuncio de un famoso exterminador de topos, un experto en este asunto, y decidió llamarlo.

Al día siguiente llegó el experto Venancio, y prometió que en menos de un día encontraría y mataría al topo, y que lo iba a arrojar al basurero. Entonces el granjero le dijo que no quería que fuera rápida su muerte, sino que fuera lenta y dolorosa, para que el topo pagara por todos los daños que hizo. Venancio estuvo de acuerdo, y se fue a cazarlo.

Al día siguiente, Venancio llega corriendo y muy alegre le dice al granjero:

Hombre, ¿adivina qué he hecho?

El granjero muy contento le pregunta que si ya mató al topo, y Venancio le contesta: ¡Claro, lo maté de la forma más cruel, la más lenta, y fue en el mismo lugar donde hizo su desbarate!

Entonces el granjero le pregunta cómo lo mató. Venancio, muy orgulloso del éxito obtenido, le dice:

Pues creo que lo he hecho perfectamente, lo cogí, le grité, cavé un agujero y para que sufriera ¡lo enterré vivo!

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.

The first mouse slams a shot and says, I play with mouse traps for fun. Ill run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times. And with that he slams another shot.



The second mouse slams a shot and says, Thats nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it.



And with that he slams another shot.



The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, Where the hell are you going?



The third mouse stops and replies, Im going home to fuck the cat.

Farmer Jones was the most negative man in the world. Farmer Smith was his next door neighbor and a very happy fellow.

Aint it a beautiful day? Farmer Smith would smile



Huh! replied Farmer Jones If it dont rain soon the corns going to burn



Nest day: Aint it nice its raining? asked Farmer Smith



Huh! If it dont stop soon the corns going to drown replied Farmer Jones.



One thing the two had in common was their love of duck hunting. They would compete vigoursly every and took pride in their hunting dogs. Yes, every year Farmer Jones proved to be the best man with the best dogs.



Then, one year, Farmer Smith got the best hunting dog he had ever come across.



Just wait until Farmer Jones sees this-hes gotta say something positive



And so they went duck hunting. As luck would have it, a flock of ducks flew overhead, Farmer Smith took a shot and a duck dropped right in the middle of the pond.



Watch this. he grinned at Farmer Jones. Dawg-go get that duck he ordered his new dog.



The dog ran nimbly to the edge of the pond, and without breaking stride, walked on top of the water, picked the duck up, walked back to shore and deposited the duck at Farmer Smiths feet, with not a feather out of place.



Well smiled Farmer Smith What do you think of my new dog?



Huh! answered Farmer Jones dumb dog cant even swim.

This chick goes to a bar and picks up this guy and they get talkin and they end up going back to her place. about an hour later her husband walks in and sees this guys underwear on the floor. he says next time i see another guyz pants on the floor im gunna pull out everyone of ur pubic hairs! the next night she goes to the bar again and says hi to this black dude. she said you wanna come back to my place? and he says only for a chocolate biky. so she gave him the biky and headed home. they got upstairs and she said you wanna get naked? and he said only for a chocolate biky. then she gave him the biky and got naked. then she said to him you wanna root me hard? and he said only for a chocolate biky. so she gave him the biky and they got right into it. about an hour later her husband was coming up the stairs. then she said quick get in the closet and he said only for a choclate biky. so she gave him the biky and he got in. the husband then saw the pants on the floor and said, alright get on the bed and give me the tweezers. then he started pulling them out. he was down to the last black curly son of a bitch and he yelled, COME OUT YOU BLCK BASTARD and the black dude in the closet goes only for a chocolate biky!

Q. How do blondes brain cells die?

A. Alone.

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide.

And for plenty of good reasons, since:



1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2. it is a major component in acid rain 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients



He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.



Forty-three (43) said yes, Six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.



The title of his prize winning project was, How Gullible Are We?



He feels the conclusion is obvious.

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside the printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we dont have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.

So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

Attached is what he found. Sometimes things dont always come out the

way you want them to!!

CLICK HERE FOR THE PICTURE!