Old and New Jokes

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggars hat remains empty.

A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?

On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!

Santa Singh qualifies for the hot seat in Kaun Banega Crorepati.

AB : I congratulate you for this opportunity

Santa : Oh ji Wahe guru da khalsa wahe guru di fatah. Chak denge phatte

AB : This is your first question for Rs. 1000. Which state has the largest Sikh population ? And
your options are A. Punjab B. Punjab C. Punjab D. Punjab

Santa : Oh ji how much time do I have.

AB : Samay ki koi pabandhi nahi hai

Santa (giggles) : Sir ji, I would like to use my lifeline.

AB : Im not surprised which one would U like to use.

Santa : Audience poll

AB : OK audience please be ready with your voting pads. After a minute we have a graphic
presentation on the board. A. 25% B. 25% C. 25% D. 25% AB : Santa ji, this is a no good situation
for you, Par kya karen…So you would like to go with which option.

Santa : Yeh mere saath hi kyon
hota hai. I think Ive to use my second lifeline – 50 50.

AB : Very good. Man me shanka ho to lifeline zaroor istemal karni chahiye, mein sab ko yehi salah
deta hoon. (whispers in Santas ears… Isi ke to paise milte hain mujhe). OK computer ji do galat
jawab mita diye jayen. Computer displays A. Punjab and C. Punjab

Santa : Wahe guru de kasam mereko third life line bhi chahiye.

AB : Santa ji, I must congratulate you, You have broken a record of using all the lifelines in the
very first question. OK phone a friend – kisko phone karna chahene aap.

Santa : My langotiya yaar., Banta Singh.

AB : OK Banta ko phone lagaya jaye. Aap dono ikkathe he kam karte hai.
Santa : Oh nahi ji ham dono pechle 6 saal se 10th mein fail ho rahe hain. Phone rings.

Banta picks it Hulloooooo, kon hai oye adi raati, ???

AB : Hello, mein Amitabh Bachhan bol raha hoon Kaun Banega Crorepati se.

Banta : OOOOOOOOOO Bachan ji Sasriyakal, koi hor hota to uski to mein ?$^$%$?$%$%$&. Ke hal chal he
sar ji.

AB : Mein thik hoon Banta ji, par ye ek family show hai is liye aap apshabdon ka prayog na karen to
behtar hoga. Aapke dost yahaan bethe hain mere saath aur……………..

Banta (interrupts) : Aur wo sala pehle hi question pe atak gaya hoga, khota hai sala.

AB : Chaliye, i will give you 1 minute as a special case

Santa: Oye bante ke ho raya hai yaar ??

Banta: Oye ullu de dum, saale bahar se taala laga gaya khote. Sawere dud wala aaya si, paise mang
raya si, aur khote tu meri kameez pehen gaya. Sale chakki se aata lana tha, tera baap layega.

AB : Santa ji kya kar rahe hain samay khatam ho raha hai.

Santa: Yes Yes. Oye chod use yaar question hai ……(he tells him the question).

Banta: Saale sari zindagi tere nakal mar ke fail hota raha hoon, par iska answer mujhe aata hai.
Kalank hai tu Punjab ke naam pe. Iska answer Punjab hai lallu.

Santa : Oye par …….(and the clock stops).

AB: Samay Khatam, aapke mitr ne jawab de diya hai, ab to mujhe pakka confidence hai ke aap kam se
kam 1000 to le ke jayenge hi aaj.

Santa: Ullu ka patha, ye to mujhe bhi pata hai par sale ne yeh to batya nahin ke A hai ya C hai.

Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take
care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism
You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk.

Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd
multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
income.

Enron Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer
so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five
cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an
intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed
company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows,
with an option on one more.

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, This is for ladies! she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said So is this!

Lets face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins werent invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers dont grocer and hammers dont ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesnt it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didnt preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isnt a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.

The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.

You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year.

All these years Ive been eating them raw.

Un día en la escuela la maestra decidió enseñar sobre materiales en la clase de ciencia; así que les dijo a los niños: Si pudieran tener un material en el mundo ¿cuál sería?

El pequeño Juan levantó la mano y dijo Yo pediría oro, porque el oro vale mucho dinero y podría comprarme un Porsche.

La maestra asintió y le hizo la misma pregunta a Lolita.

La pequeña Lolita dijo, Yo pediría platino porque el platino vale más que el oro y podría comprar un Corvette.

La maestra sonrió y entonces señaló a Pepito. El pequeño Pepito se levantó y dijo, Yo pediría silicón.

¿Por qué Pepito?

Porque a mi mamá le pusieron dos bolsas de silicón y debieran ver todos los autos deportivos que hay frente a nuestra casa…

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.



When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, Sorry, heavens crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you cant get in.



He looks at the teacher, and asks her: What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?

Oh, thats easy, the teacher replied, the Titanic. So St. Peter let her into heaven.



Next he turned to the petty thief. How many people died on that ship? St. Peter asked. Oooh, thats tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500. St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.



Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.

He simply said to him: Name them.