12
May

Horny Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster – one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. Henry, he said, Im counting on you to do your stuff. And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didnt stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, Stop, Henry, youll kill yourself. But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, Oh you poor thing, look what you did, youve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.

Shhhhh, Henry whispered, The buzzard is getting closer.

12
May

Archeological Interpretations

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

1. A dog

2. A donkey

3. A shovel

4. A fish

5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at Least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship.

To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didnt grow, they would take to the sea for food.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews. The audience applauded enthusiastically

The President smiled and said, Im glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple.

First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews dont read from left to right, but from right to left……

Now, look again….. It now says : HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!

12
May

10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis!

01. -Youve got a hole in your head.

02. -Your master strangles you all the time.

03. -Your head is smaller than the rest of you

04. -You shrink in cold water.

05. -You never get a haircut.

06. -You always hang around with 2 nuts.

07. -Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

08. -Your best friend is a pussy.

09. -Your scalp gets cut off if youre Jewish.

10. -Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

12
May

False Teeth

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, I forgot my teeth.



The man said, No problem. With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. Try these, he said.



The speaker tried them. Too loose, he said.



The man then said, I have another pair…try these.



The speaker tried them and responded, Too tight.



The man was not taken back at all. He then said, I have one more paid of false teeth…try them.



The speaker said, They fit perfectly. With that he ate his meal and gave his address.



After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.



I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? Ive been looking for a good dentist.



The man replied, Im not a dentist. Im the local undertaker.

12
May

Good Sneeze!

Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it? Patient (with a grin): Black pepper!

12
May

Brain fat

No diet will remove
all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without
a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.

~George Bernard Shaw

12
May

The perfect gentleman

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?
Mike replies: Wait a minute, Im going for a piss.
The teacher says: That would be very rude and improper on your part.
Charlie replies: Im sorry I need to go to the toilet, Ill be back in a minute.
The teacher says: Thats much better but to mention the word toilet during a meal, is unpleasant.
And Little Johnny says: My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.

11
May

Knock Knock Whos there? Sam! Sam who? Sam day

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sam!
Sam who?
Sam day youll recognise me!

11
May

Never say it at work

THINGS YOULL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

11
May

The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account

10. Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?

9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

7. When you log on, your computer says Youve got lawsuits!

6. Youre suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

5. Sothebys says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse Knock it off, Oedipus e-mail from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.

This document copyright © 1999 by Chris White.