A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
Who is this incredibly fine archer? cried the duke. I must find him!
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
You didnt just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the
middle, did you? asked the duke worriedly.
No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.
That is truly astonishing, said the duke. I hereby admit you into my service. The boy thanked him profusely.
But I must ask one favor in return, the duke continued.
You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.
Well, said the boy, first I fire the arrow at the tree…
…and then I paint the target around it.
Q:How do you know when a man is going to say something smart?
A:When he starts it off with: a woman once told me…
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
119. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of ones wifes relatives.
Boyles Laws: (1) The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination. (2) When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally. (3) The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs. (4) Information travels more surely to those with a lessor need to know. (5) An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original. (6) When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly. (7) The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file. (8) Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan. (9) Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects. (10) If not controlled, work will to the competent man until he submerges. (11) The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. (12) Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interrupted as managerial ability. (13) The think positive leader tends to listen to his subordinates premonitions only during the postmortems. (14) Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations. (15) On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease. – Charles P. Boyle, Goddard Space Flight Center, NASA
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
So let me get this straight, the prosecutor says to the defendant, you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.
Thats correct, says the defendant.
Upon which, continues the prosecutor, you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.
Thats correct, says the defendant.
Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover? asked the prosecutor.
It seemed easier, replied the defendant, than shooting a different man every day!
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Lets get you out of those wet clothes.
Nice legs… What time do they open?
Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
Youve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but Im the only one talking to you.
Im a bird watcher and Im looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?
Im fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight
Wanna play army? Ill lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
Id really like to see how you look when Im naked.
You might not be the best looking girl here but beauty is only a light switch away.
You must be the limp doctor because Ive got a stiffy.
Id walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If its true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
(Look down at your crotch) Well Its not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, Id have sex with me.
You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name) … remember that, youll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?
YEAH BABY YEAH!