And for those of you who remember the famous I didnt inhale comes
the now soon to be famous #1 excuse.
I didnt insert
27
Apr
27
Apr
How do you get a nun pregnant?
– Dress her up as an altar boy.
27
Apr
- Weather Channel temporarily passes Knitting Channel in ratings.
- During concert, Hanson breaks out into a raucous version of mmmGuantanamera.
- Tori Spelling, confused by lack of sunshine, goes into hibernation.
- Unusually high tides in silicon implants responsible for delaying production of Barb Wire 2.
- Instead of flying south, Canadian geese just cross the border to shop.
- Home Shopping Networks ratings plummet as trailer park residents nationwide seek higher ground.
- Increased moisture in air means William Shatner needs less SuperGlue to hold his hair down.
- In a first for a weather pattern, El Nino signs with Nike for a cool 36 million.
- Groundhog comes out of his hole on Feb. 2 and — ZAP — the only thing left of his hairy little rear is the smell of burnt fur and ozone.
- Matt Lauer responds to everything Katie Couric says with a booming Claro Que Si!
- Minor changes in Earths magnetic field allow Jennifer Aniston to complete a thought.
- Rash of muskrat sightings in Vegas turns out to be thousands of toupees floating in from Hollywood.
- Confused British nannies begin swinging babies counter-clockwise instead of clockwise.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
Thanx to Keiths Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List.
27
Apr
Doctor, dont cut so deep. Thats the third operating table youve ruined this month!
27
Apr
Question: Whats the biggest pencil in the World?
Answer: Pennsylvania!
27
Apr
1. He went into his fathers business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.PROOF THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pasturesPROOF THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.PROOF THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.PROOF THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion and finallyPROOF THAT JESUS WAS BLACK: 1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldnt get a fair trial.
27
Apr
What doctors say, and what theyre really thinking:
This should be taken care of right away. Id planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
Welllllll, what have we here…? He has no idea and is hoping youll give him a clue.
Let me check your medical history. I want to see if youve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
Why dont we make another appointment later in the week. Im playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. –or– I need the bucks, so Im charging you for another office visit.
We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, Im going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, youre going to pay for it.
Lets see how it develops. Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
Let me schedule you for some tests. I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
Id like to have my associate look at you. Hes going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
Id like to prescribe a new drug. Im writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
If it doesnt clear up in a week, give me a call. I dont know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
Thats quite a nasty looking wound. I think Im going to throw up.
This may smart a little. Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
Well, were not feeling so well today, are we…? Im stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
This should fix you up. The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
Everything seems to be normal. Rats! I guess I cant buy that new beach condo after all.
Id like to run some more tests. I cant figure out whats wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves? Youre craziern an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink wholl split fees with me …
There is a lot of that going around. My God, thats the third one this week. Id better learn something about this.
If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment. Ive never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God Im off next week.
27
Apr
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboys horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
Hold on there, partner, said the snake, dont shoot- Im an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you dont shoot me, Ill give you any three wishes you want.
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snakes striking range. He said, OK, first, Id like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, Id like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, Id like sexual equipment like this here horse Im riding.
The rattlesnake said, All right, when you get back to the bunk house youll have all three wishes.
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted…
Oh My God… I was riding the MARE!
27
Apr
[Royters: Dateline Washington]
Joe Motzeratz Reporting
Justice Department Siege Sections Helicopters & Tanks Rolling Towards Redmond
With the clock ticking ever closer to the deadline imposed by the Justice Department and the leaders of the Redmond WA based cult promising a fight to the end, Attorney General Janet Reno has informed the Justice Departments Siege Section to start the helicopters and tanks rolling towards Microsofts campus in Redmond Washington; as well as cutting off the avenues of escape for Cult Leader Gates to his fortified redoubt on the lake, known as C:/..
Attorney General Reno stated that with such a formidable foe as Microsoft, and their response to her edict, that it would have to be a Take No Prisoners operation as the threat to the community at large is even more egregious than the mentally troubled widow in Illinois, and a much greater threat than the situation that first propelled her to prominence.
Apparently, Attorney General Reno is quite concerned what the Redmond Cult might do to the global computer networks, especially the legions of Windows boxes installed in U.S. government installations, offices, etc. if the siege and fight becomes a protracted one. However, Los Alamos and Lawrence Livermore are safe, she was heard to state.
Therefore, one of the first steps after the deadline passes it to totally cut off all utiilities (especially electricity and communications lines) from all Microsoft locations and place any and all of those entering or leaving Microsoft facilities into protective custody where they will then undergo deprocessing.
Given the nature of the terrible threat that a rogue business and cult might visit upon unsuspecting millions of computer users and commerce, Attorney General Reno is also considering asking the President to declare the U.S. under Martial Law which will enable her to bring to bear the full might of the U.S. Government upon Microsoft and its leader Mr. Gates. Were not messing around Bill, Attorney General Reno was heard to say. President Clinton was revived after he was told she was referring to Mr. Gates and not him.
A Special Advisory is being sent out to all U.S. Government Employees and officials to avoid all travel in or around Redmond Washington until this crisis is over.
President Clinton stated that while he was troubled by these developments, he has full faith in the Attorney Generals actions against Microsoft as long as it diverts her attentions from the Other Javas, Operating Systems and Browser investigations.
Neither Mr. Gates nor Microsoft officials were available for comment. They were last seen at the PowerComputing Fire Sale where they were not only picking up fatigues and other military paraphernalia, but were also inquiring about surplus equipment that the Texas militia might or might not have.
[Royters]
27
Apr
I will not waste chalk… I will not skateboard in the halls… I will not burp in class… I will not draw naked ladies in class… I did not see Elvis… I will not call my teacher Hot Cakes… Garlic gum is not funny… They are laughing at me, not with me… I will not yell fire in a crowded classroom… I will not encourage others to fly… I will not fake my way through life… Tar is not a plaything… I will not Xerox my butt… I will not trade pants with others… I will not do that thing with my tongue… I will not drive the principals car… I will not pledge allegiance to Bart… I will not sell school property… I will not instigate revolution…