Old and New Jokes

1. Britney Spears & Eminem: Who, combined, have written more books than theyve read.

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw: Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. Americas Oil Companies: For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water dont mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon: For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates: For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim: For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared: Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez: Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.

9. That 300 Pound Guy: Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo: Who has managed to make loose stools a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, Youre really doing great, arent you?

The man replied, Just doing what you said Doctor, Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.

The Doctor said, I didnt say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Grant!
Grant who!
Grant you a wish, what is it!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?

A: The joystick is wet.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said Dont you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?

I said I didnt know there were any witnesses!

Now Ill have to kill you too.

Un mecánico le prestó a un colega suyo un taladro y, como éste llevaba algún tiempo sin que se lo devolviese, decidió llamarlo por teléfono para recordárselo.

Cuando aquel le contestó le dijo: Oíme bien, Roberto. ¿Cómo estás?

Bien, Romualdo. Gracias. ¿Dime qué deseas?

Pues hombre, que te estoy llamando por el taladro.

No jodás, pero se te oye muy clarito, sin ruidos ni interferencias.

Un ambicioso entrenador de un equipo femenil de atletismo decidió darles grandes dosis de hormonas a las chicas para mejorar su rendimiento. Por supuesto, el equipo empezó a mejorar sus resultados. Pronto ganaron las competencias locales, después las estatales y finalmente vencieron fácilmente en la competencia nacional.

Después de la competencia, Penélope, una de las chicas más veloces del equipo, se acercó al entrenador y le confió:

Oiga, entrenador, tengo un problema. Me ha estado saliendo pelo en el pecho…

¡Qué!, exclamó el entrenador, muy alarmado. ¿Qué tan abajo te llega?

Y ella le responde:

Hasta los huevos. Ésa es la otra cosa de que quería hablarle…

Youre so ugly, yo momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get the dog to play with you.



Yo mommas so fat that the last time that she wore a T-shirt with a X on it a helicopter tried to land on her.



Your dog is so dumb that if you were to cut off his tail and make him walk backwards hed start wagging his head!

Why did the chickhen cross the road?
to get to the other side
Why did David Beckham cross the road?
Because he likes chickhens

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?Find HALF a worm in your apple!