Old and New Jokes

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and couldnt bear passing her by. He pulled over, completed the job for her, and almost an hour later, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, There, little lady, thats done!Shhh, she replied. Youll wake up my husband. Hes taking a nap in the back seat.

YoMomma so fat when she went to the ocean she jumped into the ocean and started to sing with the whales We are family.

When is the only polite time to slap a midget?

When he says, Gee, your hair smells terrific.

Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?

Theres not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning!

Can you hear me NOW?

Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?You know, in some states, were now legally married.

Any sign of the trapped miners?

Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!

Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.

You used to be an executive at Enron, right?

Frank and Ed were lifetime friends and the one thing they shared in their lives was baseball. They played on the same Little League team, the same Jr. High team, the same High School team. They both were even drafted by the same minor league team. After retiring from the game, the two friends bought season tickets for adjoining seats. Frank became ill and was on his death bed. Ed came to visit him and made Frank promise him to come back and tell him if theres baseball in the afterlife.Frank passes away that night. A day later, he visits Ed. Ed asks that burning question, is there baseball in the afterlife? Frank replies, Ive got good news and bad news. The good news is that there IS baseball in the afterlife. Upon hearing this, Ed is ecstatic! He says, what could be bad after that? Frank replies, Youre pitching on Saturday.

You might be a redneck if you use your ironing board as a buffet table.

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says Hello.

The voice at the end of the phone says Hello Mr. Hussein, its Paddy here. Im just ringing to let you know that weve declared war on your country.

SH smiles to himself, Come on Paddy, he says, theres no point you declaring war on us, you wouldnt stand a chance.

Paddy replies, No, no, weve had ourselves a meeting, and weve decided to declare war on you.

So SH says, OK Paddy, now listen, Ive got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? Itd be over in no time.

So Paddy says, Well my lads got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport.

Hussein laughs, Oh come of, youve not got a hope.

Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein,, Paddy says, well just have a quick meeting. So off he goes and has a quick meeting.

Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well weve had our meeting, and weve decided that were still going to declare war.

So SH says, Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, weve also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that.

Well, Paddy says, Ive got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor.

Get real, says SH, thats no match at all.

So Paddy says, Hold on, Ill just go and have another meeting.

Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well weve had our meeting, and weve decided that were still going to declare war.

SH thinks this is just amazing, Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?.

Well, says Paddy, theres me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and theres bill down the road… I reckon I could get together about 30.

Laughing openly now SH replies, Come on Paddy, Ive got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think youd better go and have another meeting.

I will, says Paddy, I will.

Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well weve had our meeting, and weve decided that were not going to declare war on you after all.

At last, replies SH, What made you changed your mind?

Well, its those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We cant declare war on you because weve not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!

To slap Buddy in the face and ask him why there are so many bad jokes on this site.

You might be a redneck if…
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".