Old and New Jokes

SBF( single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. Im a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. Ill be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and Im yours.Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy.The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blonde guy turns to the girl and angrily says Alright. Whos the other father!

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors.

A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, Really? Even with all the fluctuations?

He said Yes, thats right. Just like a baby…I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours!

Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head? From chasing parked cars!

One night a torrential downpour soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.   Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.   Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.  Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house.  It kept floating out, then back, out and back.  

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux,  Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house and then back again?   Mrs. Boudreaux said,  Oh yes, thats my husband. I told him he was going to cut the grass today, come Hell or High Water!!

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

Youve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

What do you call a blond with a brain? A golden retriever.

Manolo y Venancio se ganan dos lechones en una rifa y esto les crea un conflicto:

¿Cómo vamos a diferenciarlos?, pregunta Venancio.

Simple, tú le cortas el rabo al tuyo y ya.

Hecho lo anterior, meten a los cochinillos en el corral, pero éstos se pelean, y ambos se quedan sin rabo.

Bueno, córtale un pedazo de oreja al tuyo, sugiere Manolo.

Aquel se la corta y al meterlo al corral, nuevamente se pelean y el par de cerditos se queda sin un pedazo de oreja.

Harto de lo sucedido, Venancio recomienda:

Mira, para no confundirnos, el tuyo es el blanco y el mío es el negro.

Este era un hombre que fue a la iglesia a confesarse:

Padre, perdóneme.

¿Qué te pasa hijo mío?

Verá padre, es que… a mí me gustan los hombres, padre…

¿Qué dices, hijo mío?

Sí, padre… y eso no es nada… a mi padre también le gustan los hombres…

Por el amor de nuestro Señor, hijo…

Y eso no es todo padre… a mis hermanos también le gustan los hombres…

Hijo mío… interrumpió el padre ¿es que en tu familia no hay nadie a quien le gusten las mujeres?

Sí padre… contesta el hombre, a mi madre…

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals –

Crisco? Crisco? CRIS–CO!!!!



Finally a store clerk approached.

Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.

Oh, replied the old guy, Im not looking for Crisco, Im calling my wife.



Your wife is named Crisco?

Nah, he answered, I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.



Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?

Lard Ass!