Old and New Jokes

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

What does a blode and the titanic have in common?

You wonder how many men went down

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar.

He turned to the astonished patrons and said, Ill make you a deal. Ill open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and Ill remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

Ill pay anyone $100 whos willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.

Ill try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.

Un marido llega tarde a casa y salta rápidamente a la cama.

Déjame tranquila, dice su mujer. Tengo dolor de cabeza.

Pero bueno, ¿qué os pasa hoy a todas?

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldnt find it, so she asked a police officer for directions –

Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?



The officer replied, Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. Itll take you right there. She thanked the officer and he drives off.



Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,

sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.



The officer got out of his car and said, Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?



The blonde replied, Dont worry, officer, it wont be long now…

The 45th bus just went by!

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.



The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmers sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read: Now there are two!

Three Gay Men Die





Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.



Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the



same time,and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.





The first man said, My Benny loved to fly, so Im going up



in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.





The second man said, My Carl was a good fisherman, so Im



going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake





The third man (Bobby) said, My Jim was such a good lover, I think



Im



going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my



ass up just one more time

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: Thank you for participating in Deltas physical fitness program.

Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex?

So she can fantasize about shopping.

An elderly woman went into the doctors office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, Id like to have some birth control pills.

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but youre 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?

The woman responded, They help me sleep better.

The doctor thought some more and continued, How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?

The woman said, I put them in my granddaughters orange juice and I sleep better at night!