Old and New Jokes

Maryann died and went to heaven. St. Peter met her at the gate.

He said: Maryann, because you have been such a good person on earth, you are granted 3 wishes before you enter the gates of heaven.

Maryann: Oh, St. Peter, I only have one question I would like to ask the Blessed Mother.

St Peter nodded approval and took her to the Blessed Virgin Mary.

When Maryann got there she said: Blessed Mother, I was always wondering, what was it like knowing your Son would become God, what would you have liked him to be?

The Blessed Mother answered: To tell the troothh, I vanted him to be a dokterr!

There was a farmer. He had alot of chickens but had no roosters.

So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway.

So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals.

So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said,Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death! But the rooster just kept on screwing.

One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around.

So he walked up to the rooster and said,I told you youd screw yourself to death! then the rooster opened his eyes and said, – SHUT-UP! Im trying to get them to land!

Yo mama so ugly she makes Michael Jackson look pretty.

The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would not

remain his friend for more than a few weeks was told, Your problem

is that you are looking for a particular kind of woman.

You ought to be looking for the kind of woman who is not

particular.

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO…..

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts Be silent!

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, OEING! OEING! OEING! OE….

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, I dont think much of this budgie jumping.

The other moron replies, Yeah, Im not too keen on this paragliding either.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Candice!
Candice who?
Candice get any better!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Welk!
Welk who?
Welk-ome home!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chuck!
Chuck who?
Chuck in a sandwich for lunch!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Nan!
Nan who?
Nanswer me or Ill go away!