Late For Work
The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but thats over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
My lawyer.
Yo mommas so stupid that she threw a rock at the ground and missed.
When Bill Clinton heard that the Big Easy was underwater, he thought he lost Monica.
HORIZONS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE EDUCATIONAL TECHNOLOGY
By Ross Williams 3 June 1988.
Recent studies have shown that while undergraduate students are more intelligent
than kindergarten students, the mentality and attention span of the two groups
are similar. With this in mind, we introduce a new concept in Computer Science
education:
COMPUTER SCIENCE SESAME STREET
Narrator:
One of these programs is not like the others,
One of these programs has a bug.
One of these programs is not like the others,
And if you cant tell which one, youre a mug.
One of these programs is not like the others,
One of these programs will really teach yer,
One of these programs is not like the others,
Yes, thats not a bug, thats a feature.
———-
Voiceover:
c
C
C?
C!
printf!
while ((c=getchar() != EOF) {}
C!
———-
Song:
Dum diddle diddle diddle dum de dum dum,
Dum diddle diddle diddle,
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, A, B, C, D, E, F
———-
Narrator: Hello Oscar, how are you today?
Oscar the Grouch: Go away: Ive just found a new garbage collection algorithm.
Narrator: Tell me about it Oscar….
———-
Kermit: This is Kermit the Frog reporting for Sesame Street news. Today, we
interview Professor Biskit who works on cookie biosearch. Hello Professor
Biskit, what have you got there?
Prof: Arcchhh, I am trying to find out iv there is zarch a sing as an infinitely
long coorkie. Dis machine vill produce every sort of coorkie possible: big
cookies, dittle cookies, square cookies, round cookies. The cookies come out dis
hole here.
Kermit: You mean if you get a really long cookie, it will come out of the hole
like a sausage?
Prof: Yaaaass, thats right. Now I vill set de machine going, and ve can start
vatching de corkies.
GRRRRUNNNCCHHHH CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA…
Prof: Aass here comes one,… CLUNK
Cookie Monster: Cooooookie! Chomp.
Prof: Und another. Dis one eees square: CLUNK.
Kermit: Uh professor…
Prof: Dont bother me now, Im vatchin coorkies.
Kermit: What if there isnt an infinitely long cookie?
Prof: Then they vill come out of dis machine forever – there are an infinite
number of possible corkies you know.
Kermit: And what if the machine starts making an infinitely long cookie?
Prof: Thats obvious you frogk, I vill have to vait for it to come out.
Kermit: And how long will that take?
Prof: Forever.
Kermit: So if there isnt an infinitely long cookie, you have to wait forever
and if there is, you have to wait forever too. How are you going to find out if
there is an infinitely long cookie today?
Prof: Dont interrupt. Here comes a triangular one viff purple spots.
Cookie monster: CRUNCH. GULP.
Prof: My machine!
Kermit: Well, it looks as if the cookie monster has transcended the question of
whether there is an infinitely long cookie by eating the cookie machine. A good
thing as the computation was UNCOMPUTABLE.
———-
Narrator: Hello Big Bird. Whats all this mess?
Big Bird: Im planting a binary tree. That way, I can nest in it and I wont
have to fly South for the winter.
Narrator: How long will it take for the tree to grow tall enough?
Big Bird: If I add branches randomly it will take me log_2(t)/1.386.
Narrator: Tell me why, Big Bird?
…
———-
This program has been brought to you by the language C and the number F.
This has been a production of the Computer Science Television Workshop.
COMPUTER SCIENCE YOUNG ONES
Neil: Ow, WOW heavy! My lentil binary trees are growing exponentially.
Vivian: This calls for a subtle combination of mathematics and extreme violence.
Rick: Oh you couldnt theorize even if you picked your nose with a silicon chip.
Vivian: OK, watch! This is how you dismantle a binary tree in constant time…
CRUNCH, CHOP, CRASH…
Neil: WOW. Heavy. Look at the mess. Look at all the garbage!
Garbage: Now theyll try to clean me up in constant time, but theyve forgotten
about all those cycles caused by curly lentils…
Vivian: Oh no we didnt because I cut all the cycles before I chopped down the
tree…
Rick: You cant do that in linear time! What sort of a snotty nosed gullible
girlie do you think I am?
Vivian: Well I had him fooled!
Neil: No you didnt! I was just waiting for the tree to spontaneously
re-assemble.
Eleven reasons why e-mail is like a male reproductive organ
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
Those who have it think that those who dont are somehow
inferior.
Those who dont have it may agree that its neat, but think its
not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
Many of those who dont have it would like to try it, a phenomenon
psychologists call E-Mail Envy.
Its more fun when its up, but this makes it hard to get any real
work done.
In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think thats the only
thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
If you dont take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
If you use it too much, youll find it becomes more and more
difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.
If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a
lot of trouble.
…And the number one reason why e-mail is like a male reproductive organ:
If you play with it too much, you go blind…
Q: How did a Blonde try to kill a bird ??
A: She through it out of the window !!
Princess Margaret
How do you get a hundred cows in a barn? You hang up a bingo sign!
New assimilation software turned out to be vaporware; back to square one when the suppliers 1-800 number was disconnected.
Assimilation of Locutus caused chaos as the Borg became caught up in a massive Sam Spade adventure game craze.
If Earth were assimilated, the commute from Borg home planet would be a killer drive.
Collective Borg decided a cube was to complicated a form – awaiting building of a new pyramid ship.
Earth was too blue for their tastes; they were hoping for an emerald green planet, something in a teal, with tasteful lavender clouds.
Bidding war for exclusive appearance in Coke or Pepsi commercials too agonizing a choice… returned home to rebuild decision circuits.
Earth too close to the sun… would ruin their cultivated pallor.
They heard that Worf bragged of personally kicking their butts if they showed their face in the sector again… began laughing for first time, havent stopped yet.
$29 navigation chip failed… they now have NO idea where Earth is… wandering out by the Cardassians, asking directions.
And the number one reason the Borg havent returned to Earth….
WESLEY CRUSHER
Q: What did the rug say to the carpet?
A: Nothing, neither can talk. If they could talk, hypothetically, they would probably talk about the state of our nation and how to improve things.
gavinfx@yahoo.com