Old and New Jokes

1. Plan ahead. It wasnt raining when Noah built the ark.


2. Stay fit. When youre 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.


3. Dont listen to critics – do what has to be done.


4. Build on high ground.


5. For safetys sake, travel in pairs.


6. Two heads are better than one.


7. Speed isnt always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.


8. If you cant fight or flee – float!


9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.


10. Dont forget that were all in the same boat.

/* GCFL wishes all our readers a Merry Christmas! */

When I was a child of about twelve years old, we had a Christmas that I have never forgotten. We grew up in humble means to say the least, but we generally always had one or two gifts under the tree even if they were only socks and underwear.
During this particular Christmas, by good fortune we had many gifts. For the first time in a long time, we received a lot of the things we actually wanted. I was one of seven children, so this was a very big deal. We were all so excited and could hardly wait until Christmas morning.
However, on that Christmas Eve, after careful reflection and much heated discussion, my father decided that it was much too much, and that in this frenzy that we had lost the true meaning of Christmas.
With much trepidation, we were instructed to hand over all but one of our unopened gifts. There was some crying, some anger, some shock and disbelief. What happened next truly astounded us. My father loaded all those gifts into his truck and we all piled in. We went from house to house in our community and handed out our things. Some of the families we knew, some we didnt. All were as poor as we were. Some had no gifts except for ours. As that truck rounded corner after corner, slowly, very slowly, the anger left. The shock and disbelief vanished and were replaced with a different sort of emotion. We all started to feel a overwhelming sense of joy in this service. The mark that this experience left on our lives has changed the way we look at Christmas forever.
Never before had I grasped what Christmas was truly about. It is about unselfish giving. Not of toys or gifts, but giving of ourselves. It was of Christ who would gave the ultimate gift of eternal life.
That experience taught us that at the celebration of his birth, our giving should reflect his ultimate sacrifice. He gave the whole of his life in our service and for our sake showing us His love. Hence the best gift we can give to others at Christmas is our time, sharing our talents, and genuine love, as acts of kindness.

Received from Dr. Scott Brooksby.

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didnt believe in Heaven or Hell.

Marry him anyway dear. the Mother said. Between the two of us, well show him just how wrong he is.

Un matrimonio fue invitado a una fiesta de máscaras y disfraces. A ella le dolía muchísimo la cabeza y le pide al marido que se vaya solo.

Él protestó, pero ella le dijo que se iba a tomar una aspirina e irse a la cama, por lo que no había necesidad de que él se quedara en la casa. Así que el marido se puso el disfraz y se fue.

La mujer, después de dormir una hora, se despertó bien, sin dolor. Como era temprano decidió ir a la fiesta. Y como el marido no sabía cuál era su disfraz, ella pensó que sería divertido observar como actuaba él cuando estaba solo.

Ella llegó a la fiesta y enseguida vio al marido bailando en la pista con cada chica con la que se cruzaba, tocando un poco por acá y tirando besitos por allá. La esposa se le acercó y empezó a seducirlo. Él dejó a la mujer con la que estaba y se dedicó a la recién llegada. Ella lo dejó avanzar todo lo que él quisiera: finalmente era su marido.

En un momento, él le susurró una proposición en el oído y ella aceptó.

Salieron de la fiesta y en uno de los autos tuvieron sexo. A medianoche, antes de desenmascararse, la señora se escabulló, fue a su casa, se quitó el disfraz y se metió en la cama, preguntándose qué clase de explicación le iba a dar el marido.

Cuando él entró, ella estaba sentada en la cama, leyendo.

¿Cómo te fue?, le preguntó.

Bueno, lo de siempre, dijo él. Ya sabes que no la paso bien cuando no estoy contigo.

¿Bailaste mucho?

Ni una sola pieza. Cuando llegué, me encontré con Pedro, Guillermo y otros muchachos, así que nos fuimos a la planta alta y jugamos póker toda la noche. ¡Lo que no me vas a poder creer es lo que le pasó al tipo al que le presté mi disfraz!

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: What are YOU shaking for? Shes going to eat me!

Goldensterns Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.

Why dont [ethnics] become
pharmicists?

– Because they cant fit the
prescription bottles in the
type-writer.

When Clinton was running for office he claimed that he had never used
marijuana. He admitted to having a joint in his mouth, but explained that
he never inhaled.

It seems that he now claims he never had sex with Monica Lewinsky,
Apparantly she didnt swallow.

Darwin Award Winner for 1997 Announced

You all know about the Darwin Awards – Its an annual honor given to
the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it.

In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO unit
to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the
roadbed.

And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles — one of the few
Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larrys
boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he
joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor
eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to
satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the
local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and
several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated,
would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn
chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the
balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still
only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack
of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun– figuring he could pop a few
balloons when it was time to descend– and went back to the floating
lawn chair.

He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larrys
plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back
yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.

Things didnt quite work out that way.

When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didnt
float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky
as if shot from a cannon. He didnt level off at 30 feet, nor did he
level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at
11,000 feet. At that height he couldnt risk shooting any of the
balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in
trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more
than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the the
primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A
United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described
passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the
existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX
emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was
dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was
falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to
sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the
helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry
was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the
draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet
above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was
hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by
the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was
arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As
he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring
rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped,turned and replied
nonchalantly, A man cant just sit around.

Lets hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.