Old and New Jokes

By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCalls, June, 1983

I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, Ive found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, Ive found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

nibble cashews one at a time;

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

read books they have to hold with both hands;

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;

exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;

lose their appetites when theyre depressed;

think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;

save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;

throw out stale potato chips;

will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;

think its too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;

dont celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;

warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;

try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;

find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;

get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-doeuvre table;

have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;

think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;

bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;

think banana splits are for kids.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape Ive selected is a triangle.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isnt it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadnt heard the question.

Isnt it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.

Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you.

A lawyers dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyers office and asks, if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dogs owner? The lawyer answers, Absolutely.

Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.

The engineer replied, But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.

Then, the lawyer spoke up. Yes, he said, But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies wont jump all over you no matter what youre studying.

4. There are some things even a rat wont do.

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Docor, it wasnt all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I dont want to miss the four oclock ball game.

A patient walks into a doctors office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

Patient: Thats terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

Doctor: You also have Alzheimers. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.