Old and New Jokes

An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a
correspondence course was stymied by the question,
How long has your present employer been in business?

He thought for a moment, then wrote, Since 1776.

HOW CLEAN IS YOUR MIND?

I challenge you NOT to think dirty. All of the answers in this quiz are NOT obscene in any way.

Vocabulary Test for the Dirty Minded:

What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

What can you find in a mans pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

Name five words that are each four letters long,end in u-n-t one of which is a word for a woman?

What does a dog do that you can step into?

What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you cant get one you can use your hands?

What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

What is it that all men have one of; its longer on some men than on others; the pope doesnt use his; and a man gives it to his wife after theyre married?

scroll down for answers
……………
Little more
……………
Almost there! 🙂
……………
ANSWERS:

(talk)

(legs)

(a twenty dollar bill)

(firetruck)

(bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)

(pants)

(fork)

(Almond Joy candy bar)

(grit)

(last name)

You people should be ashamed of yourself!

I know what you were thinking!

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,

Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch? Sure, that sounds great! said Julie.

Well, how much do you want me to pay you? asked the man.

Is fifty bucks all right? Julie asked.

Yeah, great. Youll find the paint and ladders youll need in the garage.

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house? asked the wife.

Well, she must, she was standing right on it! her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. Im all finished, she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.

You painted the whole porch? Yeah, Julie replied, I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats! The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.



Oh, and by the way, said Julie, Thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hugo!
Hugo who!
Hugo your way and Ill go mine!

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something youd like to have dinner with."

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, I guess when I die youll come and dance on my grave.

The cadet replied, Not me, Sarge…no sir!

I promised myself that when I got out of the Army Id never stand in another line!

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthurs youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The Question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarchs proposition to have an answer by years end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but hed have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthurs closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthurs life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthurs question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthurs life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthurs life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.

Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when shed been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but dont read until youve made your own choice.

………………….

…………………

………………..

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself!

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

Isnt that beautiful?

But really now, what is the moral of this story?

If you dont respect women, things are gonna get ugly!

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

There was a farmer. He had alot of chickens but had no roosters.

So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway.

So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals.

So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said,Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death! But the rooster just kept on screwing.

One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around.

So he walked up to the rooster and said,I told you youd screw yourself to death! then the rooster opened his eyes and said, – SHUT-UP! Im trying to get them to land!

The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would not

remain his friend for more than a few weeks was told, Your problem

is that you are looking for a particular kind of woman.

You ought to be looking for the kind of woman who is not

particular.

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO…..

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts Be silent!

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, OEING! OEING! OEING! OE….