Old and New Jokes

I have a friend who has been bringing up his two daughters in a
strictly secular manner (no church/religion). He reports that recently
he was out driving with one daughter who, upon seeing a church with a
large Christian cross on the roof, asked, Daddy, why does that building
have a plus sign on it?

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

Whats wrong with you? she asked him. Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16? he replied. And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.

Baffled, she said, yes, I remember. So?

Well…I would have gotten out today!

The Board of Directors of the Microsoft Corporation, the worlds largest computer software provider, and the Harley-Davidson Motor Company, Americas largest manufacturer of heavyweight motorcycles, have voted to approve a merger that will create one of the worlds largest but strangest multinational corporations.

When you think about it, it only makes sense, said Harley-Davidson Director of Communications Steve Piehl. We both share the same fundamental design philosophies: Our products are large, antiquated, slow, full of bugs and break down at the most unexpected moments. We like to think of this natural marriage as synergy.

The new company will be known as Micro-Davidson and based neither in Redmond, Washington nor Milwaukee, Wisconsin but somewhere in between. Company representatives have been scouting sites along the Wyoming/South Dakota border. Instead of moving to an existing township, the cash-rich conglomerate plans to build its own. Micro-Davidson reps denied a rumor that they plan to petition Congress for statehood, but told Motorcycle Online that buying a few counties is not out of the question.

Micro-Davidson will trade simultaneously on both the NYSE and Nasdaq stock exchanges under the symbol WERULE. Financial details of the merger have not been made public but it is expected to be a stock for stock exchange.

Currently in the works is an entirely new motorcycle model, the first from the new M-D. Named the MicroHog, the new cruiser will be powered by a brand new engine, the Twin Cam 95.1 — an air-cooled, push rod V-Twin containing an Intel Pentium III processor that will automatically load Internet Explorer 4.0 upon thumbing the starter button and overwrite all competing browsers while disabling most non-genuine Harley-Davidson parts.

Following Microsofts example, MicroHogs will not be owned outright by the purchaser, but rather licensed for personal use. Upgrades will be available, the price of which depends on the market.

M-Ds software side will receive some pointers from the former Motor Company as well. Instead of that soft, shrill squeak you hear when you boot your computer or open a new program, you will now hear a loud rumble and your keyboard will vibrate, said Piehl.

A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.

The officer says, Pull over, and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.

He says, Im sorry, officer, was I speeding?

The police officer says, No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back.

The man replies, Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!

LEASH:

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A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.



DOG BED:

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Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.



DROOL:

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Is what you do when your persons have food and you dont. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.



SNIFF:

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A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to humans crotches.



GARBAGE CAN:

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A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.



BICYCLES:

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Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards;

the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.



DEAFNESS:

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This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.



THUNDER:

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This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting,

rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.



WASTEBASKET:

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This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home



SOFAS:

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Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.



BATH:

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This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.



BUMP:

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The best way to get your humans attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.



GOOSE BUMP:

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A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesnt get the attention you require….. especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.



LOVE:

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Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If youre lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches.

The following is an old anecdote, but a good one. Sometime in the early 1900s,
P. T. Barnum, the owner of the Barnum & Bailey circus and originator of the
phrase Theres a sucker born every minute offered $10,000 in cash to any person
who could thoroughly dupe, or sucker, him.

Barnum was always looking for interesting new acts or novel creatures to
exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a fellow in Maine who claimed
to possess a cherry-colored cat and asked if Barnum were interested in such
a thing for his circus. Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat were
truly cherry-colored, hed gladly put it on display. Well, a few days later
a crate marked live animal arrived for him. When Barnum opened it, he found
a somewhat frightened but otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black housecat
inside, along with a note which read:

Maine cherries are black.
Theres a sucker born every minute…

Thoroughly tickled, Barnum sent the man a check for $10,000. (Im not sure
what happened to the cat, I think Barnum may have kept it as a reminder of the
day he got suckered.)

This months internal news letter continues the tradition of including exerpts from student exams and papers. This month: history.

Pharoah forced the Herbrew slaves to make bread without straw
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleaven bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
Afterwards Moses went up to Mt Cyanide to get the ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The government of England was a limited mockery.
From the womb of Henry VIII protestantism was born. He found walking difficult as he had an abbess (sic) on his knee.

Two daughters had been given parts in the Christmas pageant at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14-year-old said to her eight-year-old younger sister,
Well, you ask Mum. Shell tell you its harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

This was printed in the Minneapolis Star Tribune on May 25, 1989.
They have granted permission for its reproduction here.