A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender: Can I have a hot rag for my nose?



The bartender says yes, but why do you need that for your nose?



The man answers Well, a couple of seconds ago I tried to sniff coke, but and ice cube got stuck up my nose.

22. If your idea of doing your hair is putting on a baseball cap

This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can’t get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says “they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens”.

So she does and the next morning come back and says the sex was great what if I use ten?”

And the docter replied “they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens”.

So the next day she comes back and says “the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens.

The next morning a little boy walks up and says. “my mother’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: What chair?

21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic



1. The Titanic is big, but it doesnt have hyperdrive.



2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.



3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.



4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.



5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge cant say, Look at the size of that thing! and really mean it.



6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.



7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters.

Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.



8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.



9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.



10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?



11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.



12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.



13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed kings of the world?



14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.



15. Nothing has the same sting as Id rather kiss a Wookie.



16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.



17. Han Solo wouldve steered clear of that stinkin iceberg!



18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who couldve anticipated, Luke….I am your father.?



19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.



20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.



21. Titanic morals:

a. gamble,

b. cheat on your husband,

c. pose nude for pictures,

d. premarital sex is OK if youre infatuated.



Star Wars morals:

a. fight evil,

b. do good,

c. respect all life even if its ugly and slithers,

d. rescue princess,

e. save planet.

A: Saliva.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has a burlap sack and a little guy about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a little piano.

The guy that walked into the bar asks the man, Whats in the bag?

The man pulls out a genie lamp.

The guy says, Wow! Can I have one of your wishes?

The man says, I dont know. Rub the lamp and see.

So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says, You may have one wish.

The guy wishes for a million bucks. The genie says, Your wish is granted, and goes back into the genie bottle.

Just then one million ducks walk into the bar.

The guy says, I didnt wish for a million ducks.

The man replies, Yeah, and I wished for a twelve inch pianist.

A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you.The man thought for a moment and said, I would like the following three things to happen this year — The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title.The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.

Saturday
1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings.
2:00 A.M. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 A.M. Throw everything but kitchen sink in camper.
3:00 A.M. Leave for deep woods.
3:15 A.M. Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 A.M. Drive like mad to get to woods before daylight.
4:00 A.M. Set up camp—forgot the sleeping tent.
4:30 A.M. Head into woods.
6:05 A.M. See eight deer.
6:06 A.M. Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 A.M. “CLICK”
6:08 A.M. Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 A.M. Head back to camp.
9:00 A.M. Still looking for camp.
10:00 A.M. Realize you dont know where camp is.
NOON Fire gun for help—eat wild berries.
12:15 P.M. Ran out of bullets—eight deer come back.
12:20 P.M. Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 P.M. Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 P.M. Rescued and rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 P.M. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 P.M. Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 P.M. Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 P.M. Load gun—leave camp again.
5:00 P.M. Empty gun on squirrel thats bugging you.
6:00 P.M. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 P.M. Load gun and fire.
6:02 P.M. One dead pick-up truck.
6:04 P.M. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 P.M. Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 P.M. Fall into fire.
6:10 P.M. Change clothes—throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 P.M. Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 P.M. Pick-up boils over hole shot in block.
6:26 P.M. Start walking, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 P.M. Meet bear and take aim.
6:37 P.M. fire gun—blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 P.M. Dirty my pants.
6:39 P.M. Climb tree.
9:00 P.M. Bear departs, I wrap gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT Home at last.
Sunday
Following church services, watch ball game on T.V., slowly tear hunting license into pieces, place into envelope and mail to Game Warden promising God never to hunt again.

You might be a redneck if youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws!