Old and New Jokes

How To Be A Victim Of Marketing

How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man

Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World

WOMENS COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Dont imagine you can change a man – unless hes in diapers.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, Really? Where is Monosyllabia?. Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, Oh, you mean over by Croatia?

Really Stupid People

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each others head.

Really Stupid People

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a farm-type truck. Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns wrapped in the drive shaft.

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that hed just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldnt get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldnt bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have … a hutch back of Notre Dame.

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

What did you do that for? Asked a passing giraffe.

Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.

Wow, what a memory commented the giraffe.

Yes, said the elephant, turtle recall.