Old and New Jokes

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. H sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.

Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask. In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.

So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens. Hing agrees, saying Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens. The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.

Moral of the Story: All of Hings courses and all of Ming ken couldnt get gum tea to feather a hen.

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Well Bill went out bough some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so the added some thinner to the paint, well it is still covered but not as well as it did at first. Well he still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint. Well the paint was too thin cover well but Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, Repaint and thin no more.

A frog went to get a loan at a bank.

The loan officers name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.

He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said this is what I have for colateral.

She took it to the bank president and said theres a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel).

She said do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan? The bank president said why, thats a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan.

Theres this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: This parking space belongs to the Wizard. … Violators will be toad.

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, I want to join the Mafia.

The guy answers, You ever kill any one for money?

Artie answers, No.

The guy says, Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money.

So Artie says, How much will you pay me?

The guy says, Im not gonna pay you.

Artie says, Cmon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in.

The guy says, Okay, Ill tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, Ill pay you a dollar.

Artie says, Oh thank you, thank you! and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that shes lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he cant out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!

Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid

1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

The geology poem
Ode to Olivine in Thin Section, a poem by Brenna Lorenz

In basalt a lurid green
Bespeaks the savage olivine;
Mantles child, born of fire,
Restless in the open air,
Little beads of anger bear
The torture of desire.

Silica upon its face
It suffers, helpless, in disgrace,
Its powers of reaction bound
By solids bond and cage,
In agony confined to rage
Unstable and unsound.

Its birefringent power plays
The sifted light to rare displays;
The haunting, primal colors tell
Of fire and furys flag unfurled,
Flag of fluid, nether world,
Beneath the fragile shell.

Terminal – Time to call da undertaker.

Crash – When you go to Juniors party uninvited.

Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today youre not going to like.

The wife says: Ill be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me Im beautiful.

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.