Old and New Jokes

Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Diskette – A female Disco dancer.

Hacker – Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says Hello. The voice at the end of the phone says Hello Mr. Hussein, its Paddy here. Im just ringing to let you know that weve declared war on your country. SH smiles to himself, Come on Paddy, he says, theres no point you declaring war on us, you wouldnt stand a chance. Paddy replies, No, no, weve had ourselves a meeting, and weve decided to declare war on you.

So SH says, OK Paddy, now listen, Ive got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? Itd be over in no time. So Paddy says, Well my lads got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport. Hussein laughs, Oh come on, youve not got a hope. Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, , Paddy says, well just have a quick meeting. So off he goes and has a quick meeting. Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well weve had our meeting, and weve decided that were still going to declare war.

So SH says, Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, weve also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that. Well, Paddy says, Ive got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor. Get real, says SH, thats no match at all. So

Paddy says, Hold on, Ill just go and have another meeting. Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well weve had our meeting, and weve decided that were still going to declare war.

SH thinks this is just amazing, Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?. Well, says Paddy, theres me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and theres Bill down the road…. I reckon I could get together about 30. Laughing openly now SH replies, Come on Paddy, Ive got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think youd better go and have another meeting. I will, says Paddy, I will.

Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well weve had our meeting, and weve decided that were not going to declare war on you after all. At last, replies SH, What made you change your mind? Well, its those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We cant declare war on you because weve not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!

A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready.

The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie.

The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, So you wanna race, eh?

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Sid, asked Al, are there any Jews in China?

I dont know, Sid replied. Why dont we ask the waiter?

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, Are there any Chinese Jews?

I dont know sir, let me ask, the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, No, sir. No, Chinese Jews.

Are you sure? Al asked.

I will check again, sir, the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.

When the waiter returned he said, Sir, no Chinese Jews.

Are you really sure? Al asked again.

I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.

Sir, I ask everyone, the waiter replied exasperated. We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews.

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. Theyd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever sides dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshunds neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. We dont understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

Thats nothing, an American replied. We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, The bad news is that now weve caught you and were going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then were going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.

The Frenchman says, I take ze sword. The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, Vive la France! and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, a pistol for me please. The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, God save the queen! and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, Gimme a fork! The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, its horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, My God, what are you doing?

And the New Yorker responds, So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldnt measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long.

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, Whats your name and address?

Im Paddy ODay, of no fixed address. The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. Im Seamus OToole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.

For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

When you and I get out of here, the jailbird said to the fly. were going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune.

Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.

At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. What about this fly, eh? he said to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.

Glad you saw it, muttered the bartender. Blasted things are everywhere.