Old and New Jokes

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So youre a priest. Im a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!

Pointing to the sky, he continues, God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.

The priest replies, I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, And look at this!

Heres another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, Arent you having any, Rabbi?

The rabbi replies, Nah… I think Ill wait for the police.

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

Officer, look what theyve done to my Beeeeemer!!!, he whined.

You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!, retorted the officer. Youre so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didnt even notice that your left arm was ripped off!

Oh no!, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

Wheres my Rolex???!!!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, Thats easy, well catch him fast because he only has one eye!

The policeman says, Well…uh…thats because the picture shows his PROFILE.

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, Ha! Hed be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!

The policeman angrily responds, Whats the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because its a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds …think hard before giving me a stupid answer.

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesnt know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. Well, thats an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and Ill get back to you on that.

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. Wow! I cant believe it…its TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?

Thats easy, the blonde replied. He cant wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.

Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, SPEED TRAP AHEAD.

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted TIPS and a bucket of change.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. Listen, said the shoplifter, I know you dont want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, Hey, sarge, why did you stop?

The sarge replied, Hes in Georgia now. Theyre an hour ahead of us, so well never catch him.

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD.

The drunk promptly fainted.

The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded Ive always wanted to do that.

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.

The officer asked, Can you describe the person who did this to you?

The Irishman replied, Thats what I was doing when he hit me.

HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.

A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, What do you think youre doing?

After a moment the man replied, … Well, Ive always wanted to strike a happy medium.