Old and New Jokes

Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says Ill take this option.

Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!

Thats what everyone thinks snickered Satan.

The bottle has a hole in it!

What about the PC?

Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan.

And its missing three keys,

Which three?

Control, Alt and Delete.

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?.

God replied, Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell.

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling God, God, theyre gone, theyre gone!

Who, the New Yorkers?.

No, the Pearly Gates.

Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Here is your punishmentHavent I seen your face before? a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

You have, Your Honor, the man answered hopefully. I gave your son violin lessons last winter.

Ah, yes, recalled the judge. Twenty years!

Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
A: The frogs probably on its way to a gig.

Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldnt tell the bass player which one.

Q: Why dont violists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCalls, June, 1983

I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, Ive found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, Ive found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

nibble cashews one at a time;

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

read books they have to hold with both hands;

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;

exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;

lose their appetites when theyre depressed;

think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;

save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;

throw out stale potato chips;

will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;

think its too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;

dont celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;

warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;

try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;

find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;

get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-doeuvre table;

have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;

think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;

bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;

think banana splits are for kids.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com