Old and New Jokes

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape Ive selected is a triangle.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isnt it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadnt heard the question.

Isnt it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.

Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you.

A lawyers dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyers office and asks, if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dogs owner? The lawyer answers, Absolutely.

Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.

The engineer replied, But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.

Then, the lawyer spoke up. Yes, he said, But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies wont jump all over you no matter what youre studying.

4. There are some things even a rat wont do.

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Docor, it wasnt all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I dont want to miss the four oclock ball game.

A patient walks into a doctors office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

Patient: Thats terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

Doctor: You also have Alzheimers. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.