A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said Id like a steak, a potato, and a Coke please.
So the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal.
The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!
The panda calmly replied Do you know what I am?
Why yes, the barman answered.
Youre a panda.
Good, the panda nodded.
Now go home and look up panda in the dictionary.
And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friends murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found panda and quickly read the definition:
PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isnt working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Mens Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: Dear Mr. Burford… All is forgiven. Just tell us…where is it?
Q:WHAT DID ONE LESBIAN VAMPIRE SAY TO THE OTHER
A:ILL SEE YOU NEXT MONTH 🙂
A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait.
The man replies This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love em.
The luckless man asks But why do you smell each one?
Well..
he replies, hes a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there.
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.
In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.
Excuse me, sir he asked the old gentleman, where did you get all this money?
Vell, Ill tell you, the old man began, for many years, I travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say Give me a dollar for Israel or Ill cut off your testicles vit my knife.
Thats quite a story, the customs agent said, whats in the second suitcase?
Vell, you know, said the old man, shaking his head, not everyone likes to give…
A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, IF YOU DONT JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE ILL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!
A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, did you jump?
The boy said, A little at first!
These two guys go camping, and after two weeks, decide they need a break from each other. So they decide to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite.
When they return, the first guy says, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream.it was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there.
Well, thats okay, says the second guy, but check _this_ out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!
Wow! says the first guy, envious. Did she give you oral sex?
No, says the second guy. I couldnt find her head.
How did the mother know her daughter was masterbating during her period?
She was caught red-handed.
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonels home for an evening of bridge.
The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonels wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar.
When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonels wife smiled demurely, Dont worry about it, this is the first time all evening that Ive been able to tell what he has in his hand.