Old and New Jokes

A Guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar The Bartender tells him, get that thing out of here.

The Guy says, No, wait you dont understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.

The bartender says, Bullshit, no octopus can do that.

The Guy says, No, really Ill bet you one hundred dollars that you cant find a musical instrument he cant play.

The bartender says, OK youre on. Try the piano in the corner.

The Guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro. The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar.

The octopus played a song on it.

The bartender said, OK Im not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums.

The octopus played them all.

The bartender said, Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up. He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor.

The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.

The bartender says, There I knew I could find one he couldnt play.

The Guy said, Now just wait a minute Hell play it just as soon as he figures out he cant have sex with it.

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.

The drunk says, I havent got it.

The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he cant possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, I havent got it.

The bartender cant believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.

In disgust, the bartender says, What, no drink for me this time?

The drunk replies, You! No way! You get too violent when you drink!

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?

As she got up to move, he said loudly, Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I dont have an extra two dollars.

She looked back and replied just as loudly, What makes you think I charge by the inch ?

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, What in the world happened to you, buddy?

The guy says Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.

Yeah, says the bartender. What did she do?

She hit me with her bag of quarters!

A man walked into a shop and found the clerk stalking flies with a fly swatter.

Have you gotten any?

he asked.

The clerk replied, Yeah. Three males and two females.

How do you tell the difference?

the man asked curiously.

Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, I know its none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one routine?

Well, slurred the man, Theres a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then its time for me to go home.

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, Whatll you have?

The man says, Give me three pints of Guinness please.

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until theyre gone.

He then orders three more.

The bartender says, Sir, I know you like them cold. You dont have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low Ill bring you a fresh cold one.

The man says, You dont understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night wed still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and were drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, I know what your tradition is, and Id just like to say that Im sorry that one of your brothers died.

The man said, Oh, me brothers are fine—-I just quit drinking.

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.

Did yknow that St. Patrick was a sissy?

Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.

The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadnt worked. The second decided to try.

Did yknow that St. Patrick was a transvestite?

Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.

The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadnt worked. The third man knew he had the solution.

Did yknow that St. Patrick was an Englishman?

Oh, no. But thats what yr friends hae been trying to tell me.

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, So, youve been out drinking again!

What makes you say that?

he asked, putting on an innocent look.

The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.