Old and New Jokes

~ You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.

~ I know how to push all my wifes buttons … now if I could only find the one marked OFF!

~ I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell until I met you.

~ Looking back over the years that weve been together, I cant help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?

~ As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that youre not here to ruin it for me.

~ They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass.

~ When we were together, you always said youd die for me. Now that weve broke up, I think its time you kept your promise.

~ I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So heres his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

~ Im so miserable without you, its almost like youre here.

Whats the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?

A blonde lets you leave the bed when you are satisfied – a redhead lets you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

At the card shop:

A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, No. A clerk came over and asked, May I help you?

I dont know, said the woman. Do you have any Sorry I laughed at your dick cards?

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I dont understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

Maam, the officer replies, You werent speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour! the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

But before I let you go, Maam, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they havent muttered a single peep this whole time, the officer asks.

Oh, theyll be fine in a minute or two, officer. We just got off Route 119!

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died? The guy stammers and says, Um…no…um…what happened?. The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.

What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.

What is the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job still sucks.

Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldnt breed.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
Because they dont have balls.

Whats the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You dont have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.

Why is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who wont do as shes told.

Why are wives like condoms?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
Why the hell should we fix it? We dont use the damn thing.

What is a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

How are women like parking spaces?
The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They cant stand to see a man having a good time.

Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill.

Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares – what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!

4. Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if youre on rough seas.

7. Shave. (Especially if youre a woman.)

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: Got enough air in there?

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, Ive got new socks on!

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!

19. Give religious literature to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter Gotta go, gotta go, then sigh and say, oops!

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing, Mary Had a Little Lamb, while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler, Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say Mmmm…tasty!

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, Is that your beeper?

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say, Ding! at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say, I wonder what all these do, and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say, I think its getting larger.

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, Bad touch!

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, Officer, I know I was speeding, but I dont think its fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?

Ever go a fishin? the policeman suddenly asked the man.

Ummm, yeah… the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, Did you ever catch em all?

Not so deep in the swamplands of Louisiana, a Cajuns wife went into labor in the middle of the night.

The doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, Here. You hold dis high so I can see what Im doing.

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, Dont be in such a rush to put dat lantern down. I think deres another one coming.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a babygirl.

Hold dat lantern up, dont set it down, deres another one! said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. Dont put down dat lantern, it seems deres yet another one a coming! cried the doctor.

The Cajun scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, You tink it might be da light thats attractin em?

Revelations on My Life

1. Im not into working out. You see, my philosophy is no pain, no pain.

2. Im in shape. Round is a shape.

3. Ever notice when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

5. People say you have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Shes 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you its because theyre such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her!

8. Ive always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific!