A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked How much is 2 plus 2?
The housewife replies: Four!
The accountant says: I think its either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, How much do you want it to be?
31
Dec
31
Dec
Whats black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A doberman pinscher.
31
Dec
There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride. Hes driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over! So he speeds up and heads straight for him. At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss, him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer. He says to the priest Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer! The priest then replies Thats ok son, I got him with my door.
31
Dec
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded – you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette.
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex – take your pick.
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldnt see the connection with Russian Roulette.
He said Well, ok, great, but wheres the roulette part?
Wheres the danger?
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, One of them is a cannibal
31
Dec
POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS
Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.
Serial Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Lazy: Motivationally deficient.
Fat: Horizontally challenged.
Fail: Achieve a deficiency.
Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.
Bald: Follicularly challenged.
Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.
Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challenged.
Dead: Living impaired.
Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Spendthrift: Negative saver.
Drunk: Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.
Ignorant: Knowledge-based non-possessor.
31
Dec
Q: Whats the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.
Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.
Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.
Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: Dont hit your head on the desk.
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on Presidents day?
A: All pants half off.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They both blew the big one several times.
Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
A: They both have slots which say Insert Bill here.
31
Dec
There are a lot of folks that cant understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, heres the answer: Its simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.
Didnt know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.
All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma,
and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
31
Dec
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
31
Dec
A russian was falling from a skyscraper.
At the 40th floor,he was caught by a man:
man1)Say viva America!
russian)Niet!
Than the man letted him fall.At the 30th floor he was caught by another man.
man2)Say viva America!
russian)Niet!
Then the 2nd man droped him too.At the 2th floor hewas caught again.
russian)Viva America!
man3)Booo!@#$%^&*!
And he throwed him out the window.
31
Dec
The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.
She told the students to each take only one treat.
Next to the basket of apples was a sign:
Take only one, God is watching.
As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, Take all you want, Gods watching the apples!