A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked –
Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?
Aghast, the man said, are you NUTS?, thats robbery!
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again –
Sir, since you are a bit irate, Ill sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly – you must be crazy pal, now go away!
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy –
Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much.
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
HEY, he snarled, this brownie tastes like crap!!!
It is, replied the salesman. Wanna buy some mouthwash?
Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.
Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, Are you all right? He then put his ear over the mannequins mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, She says she cant feel her legs!
Q: What do you do if someones having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.
Heres one from the Emergency nurses association:
Be an organ donor . . . Unbuckle!
A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine, said the nun, gently patting his hand. We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?
No, Im not, the man whispered hoarsely.
Can you pay in cash? persisted the nun.
Im afraid I cannot, Sister.
Well, do you have any close relatives? the nun essayed.
Just my sister in New York, he volunteered. But shes a spinster nun.
Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters; they are married to God.
Really…wonderful, said Smith. In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs. The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, Ill show you my thighs, and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building theyre passing. See there in the distance. Thats the hospital where I had it done!
Why did God invent lesbians?
So feminists wouldnt breed.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Thats not the point,whats she doing out of the kitchen?
What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
Kick her in the butt
How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women wont shut up long enough to build up pressure.
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
I feel terrible, he explained, I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around and waved again. Then he hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, What in Heavens name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.
An Ebonics X-mas The Night Befo Crizmus
Wuz da night befo Crizmus An all thru da hood Everybody be sleepin Dey was sleepin real good
We hunged up our stockins An hoped like all heck Dat ol Sanny Claws Gonna brang us our check
All of da fambly Wuz layin in beds While Thunderbird wine Danced thru dere heds
I dun passed out on ze flo Right nex to my maw When I heared such a fuss I thunk – it mus be da law
I looked out thru da bars What could I now do I was spectin the sherrif With a warrent for sho
And what did I see Made me say, Lawd look at dat Dere was a huge watahmelon Pulled by 8 big ass rats
Now ober all da years Sanny Claws he be white But it looks like us bros Get a black Sanny tonite
Faster dan a po lice car My homeboy he came He whupped up on dem rats As he called dem be name
On Leroy, On Roosevelt On Virvus, On Willie On Yolanda, On Crayola On Kiesha, and Nefrotilly
An ol Sanny landed dat watahmelon Out dere in da street I knowed it fo shu Da damnest ting I eber did seed
Dat black Sanny didnt go down no chimbly He picked da lock on my do An I sez to myeslf Shit – He dis befo
He had did big bag Full of prezents I speck Wif Air Jordans and fake gold To wear roun my nek
But he left no prezents Jus started stealin my shit Got my guns, got my crack Eben my burglers kit
Wit my shit in his bag Out da windo he flew I sho woulda chased him But he got my knife too
He jumped on dat watahmelon Wit out a hitch He wuz gone in a second That son of a bitch
So nex year I be hopin A white Sanny we git Cause a black Sanny Claws Jus aint worf a shit!
These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship.
1. (For this one, you have to know that its really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.
2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.
3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!
4. There was some mix-up with a womans room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin? She replied, Well, it looks like it might rain today. Id better get an inside cabin.
5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with — fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, Sea water. Oh, that explains why its so rough today.
6. Someone — always a man — always asks, does the ship run on generators? The Cruise Director usually tells them, No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland.
7. What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?