Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q. What do you have when 100 Lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. Whats the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.
Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldnt figure out which side to spit on.
Q. Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet.
Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. Chelsea Clinton.
Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q. It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?) …
A. It was SO cold … that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyers office and inquired about the lawyers rates. $50.00 for three questions, replied the lawyer. Isnt that awfully steep? asked the man. Yes, the lawyer replied, and what was your third question?
Q. Youre trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
the teacher says to the class that she wants a sentence with the word definately in it so little sam says
the sky is definately blue miss.
the teacher replies
no sam its not because there are white clouds sometimes.
next tommy says
the grass is always green miss.
the teacher replies
no tommy because sometimes it is brown when it dies
then at the back of the class billy says
is a fart lumpy miss.
no billy why? the teacher replies.
in that case then have definately shit myself then miss.
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldnt be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasnt more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the birds cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, New house, new madam.
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought thats not so bad,
A couple hours later, the womans two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, New house, new madam, new whores. The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the womans husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, New house, new madam, new whores… …same old faces. Hi Ray.
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender if hed pay the guy $20 if he could show him the most amazing thing in his life. The bartender agrees, and the man pulls out a small white mouse and a tiny piano. The mouse starts to play old man river on the piano.
The bartender isnt quite amazed yet.
So, the man pulls out a bullfrog, who starts singing along to the mouses playing.
The bartender admits that that is the most amazing thing hes ever seen, and gives the guy his $20.
Another guy sitting next to the man sees the frog and says Wow, I will give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog!
The man agrees, and sells him the frog.
After the man who bought the frog leaves, the bartender sez, Man, you must be insane. That frog could have made you a fortune.
The man says, Not really, the mouse is a ventroliquist too.
This guy is sitting in a bar drunk.
He asks the bartender wheres the bathroom at?
The bartender said, go down the hall and make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, Whats all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away.
The drunk said, Im sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out my balls.
With that, the bartender looks in and says, No wonder, youre sitting on a mop bucket you asshole!!
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
No thank you. she said politely. This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but Im keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.
That must be rather difficult. the man replied.
Oh, I dont mind too much. she said. But, it has my husband pretty upset.
Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, Well sure, but it doesnt appear by the your appearance that youll be able to pay for it.
The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what shes got, Will this do? she asks.
The barkeep takes a look and responds, Ya got anything smaller?
A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go…Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart.
Three bulls eyes!!!
All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize… grabs a turtle from the bars terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.
Three weeks pass… The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.
The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesnt know what to give, and he asks the drunk Say, what did you win the last time?
And the drunk responds A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a drink for himself. The bartender looks at the monkey and says to the guy, Hey, we have health standards here, get that monkey out of here!
Aw, says the guy, Hes Okay. Ill pay for any damages that he makes.
Ill at ease, the bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
Thats it! the bartender screams, Get that monkey out of here!
Hey, says the guy, its Okay. Look, Ill pay you for the cue ball and leave.
The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his monkey and leaves.
Two weeks later, the same guy with the same monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender, remembering the incident, says, Listen buddy, are you going to keep your monkey in line?
Yeah, says the guy, dont worry about any cue balls.
After a few minutes the monkey runs across the bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks at the grape for a minute or two and promply shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by one.
That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in my life, says the bartender.
Yeah, says the guy, but after the cue ball, he began to size everything he eats.
One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home,he noticed that she was digging through the closet,looking for something.
When he asked her what she was doing, she said,the paint can said,for best results,to use two coats.