Old and New Jokes

Q: What is long, hard, and full of seamen?

A: A submarine!

Question: How do you confuse an idiot?

Answer: 26

Q. What do Michael Jackson and the Yankees have in common??

A. They both need a twelve year old boy to score!

There are three men one guy has a orange


the other has a bottle of water and


the other a car door.they are walking though the hot desert.So the guy with the


orange ate it the one with the water drank


it the guy with the car door said im going to roll down the window

What did the rain cloud where under his rain coat?

Answer: Thunder wear!

If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Dont be irreplaceable, if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.

It doesnt matter what you do, it only matters what you say youve done and what youre going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your bosss boss off your bosss back.

Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldnt.

If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Day1:


A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because Im blonde, mummy?


Mum replies: yes dear

Day 2:


We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because Im blonde, mummy?


Mum replies: yes dear

Day 3:


We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and Im a 36DD. Is it because Im blonde, mummy?


Mum replies: No dear, its because your 25.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish Its a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!

Overview: I had to take my sons hamster to the vet. Heres what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. Hes just lying there looking sick, he told me, Im serious, Dad. Can you help?

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

Honey, I called, come look at the hamster! Oh, my gosh, my wife diagnosed after a minute. Shes having babies. What? My son demanded.

But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!

I was equally outraged. Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didnt want them to reproduce! I accused my wife. Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?! She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

No, but you were supposed to get two boys! I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). Yeah, Bert and Ernie! My son agreed. Well, its just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know, she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. Were about to witness the miracle of birth.

OH, Gross! They shrieked.

Well, isnt THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies? My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Dont you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. We dont appear to be making much progress, I noted.

Its breech, my wife whispered, horrified. Do something, Dad! My son urged. Okay, okay. Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

Should I call 911? My eldest daughter wanted to know, Maybe they could talk us through the trauma. (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

Lets get Ernie to the vet, I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe, he urged.

I dont think hamsters do Lamaze, his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. What do you think, Doc, a c-section? I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

Oh, very interesting, he murmured. Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment? I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

Is Ernie going to be okay? My wife asked. Oh, perfectly, the vet assured us.

This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isnt EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy.

What?

You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um …. er … masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back. He blushed, glancing at my wife. Well, you know what Im saying, Mr. Cameron.

We were silent, absorbing this.

So Ernies just … just … excited?! My wife offered.

Exactly, the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!

Whats so funny? I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

Its just … that … Im picturing you pulling on its … its teeny little … she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

Thats enough, I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

I know Ernies really thankful for what youve done, Dad, he told me.

Oh, you have NO idea, my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.

The Geography of a Woman


————————


Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blairs a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man


————————


Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.

WHO WANTS TO WIN AN OIL WELL.

This is how the game is played. A contestant will be required to pick the correct answer out of 4 possible answers. For each correct answer chosen, a contestant wins money. There are 16 steps to winning the oil well. From 1 through 15, the contestant wins a monetary price. The final question, number 16, if answered correctly, wins the contestant an oil well in Iraq. If at any level you fail to correctly answer a question or are unable to answer a question, you automatically are eliminated from the contest.

A contestant has three life lines to use at any time during the contest, and the life lines may used in any combination at any time. The life lines are:

(A) Ask the studio audience.

(B) Use a 50/50 , in which case two wrong answers are removed from the four answers.

(B) Phone a friend for help.

Host: Our first contestant is Georgie Boy. Welcome to the show, Georgie Boy. What do you do for a living? Do you want to win an oil well?

Georgie Boy: Thank you. I live in the White House. You bet I want to win an oil well.

Host: Aha, that is quite a job, living in the White House. Well, Georgie Boy, lets get down with the show.

Question #1: Which of the following statements is an accurate representation of democracy in America?

Answers:

a) government of the people, by the people, for the people.

b) government of the people, by a few, for the greedy.

c) government of the people, by a few, against the people.

d) government of the people, by George Bush, for Dick Chaney.

Georgie Boy: This is an easy question. My answer is (d), final.

Host: You got it, Georgie Boy. You’ve won $100.00.

Question #2: What is George Washington’s last name?

Answers: a) George, b) WMD, c) Washington, D) George Washington.

Georgie Boy: I’ll like to ask the audience on this one.

Host: OK, audience, please help Georgie Boy on this one. Well, Georgie Boy, 95% of the audience says the answer is Washington.

Georgie Boy: I’m glad your audience is around to help. I was thinking the answer is (d), George Washington. Oh yes, I’ll go with the audience and say, Washington, final answer.

Host: Washington it is, Georgie Boy. You’ve won $200.00.

Question #3: How many justices are there on the US Supreme Court?

Answers: a) 2, b) 100, c) 9,000, d) 9.

Georgie Boy: You would think I should have known this by now, but I don’t. I’ll like to use my 50/50 life line.

Host: That’s a tough question, Georgie Boy. Computer, randomly remove two of the wrong answers.

Host: Well, Georgie Boy, b and c have been removed.

Georgie Boy: In that case I’ll like to guess 9, final answer.

Host: You got it, Georgie Boy, and you now have $400.00.

Question #4: How many senators are there in the US Senate?

Answers: a) 25, b) 13, c) 50 d) 100

Georgie Boy: Well, I guess I’ll have to use my last life line. I like to phone a friend, Dick Chaney.

Host: Who is Dick Chaney?

Georgie Boy: Oh, Dick is my Vice President, and he sits in the Senate all the time. He should have counted those senators right by now. Some folks refer to Dick Chaney as my boss, and I do not appreciate that. Yes, my dad instructed Chaney to take care of me, but he sure isn’t my boss. Others also claim that I am Chaney’s poodle.

Host: OK. Lets get Dick Chaney on the phone now.

Voice at the other end: Hello?

Host: Is this Dick Chaney?

Voice at the other end: Yes it is.

Host: Mr. Chaney, I have here with me, Georgie Boy, on Who Wants To Win An Oil Well. He has won $400.00 so far, and needs a correct answer to win $800.00 before continuing on to win an oil well in Iraq. He needs your help to correctly answer a question.

Dick Chaney: OK. But I never gave him permission to get on your show. I’ll help him all the same.

Host: Georgie Boy, you may ask Mr. Chaney.

Georgie Boy: Dick, how many senators are there in the US Senate? 25, 13, 50., or 100. You have 10 seconds to answer. Don’t sit on the question like the United Nations sat on our WMD the last time.

Dick Chaney: You must be referring to our Words of Mass Deception. Georgie Boy, the answer is 100.

Georgie Boy: Yippie, Dick, Words of Mass Deception, indeed. As long as the majority of Americans have lenses made of dollar bills, the longer we’ll keep getting away with misleading them with our WMDs. How sweet it is!

Georgie Boy: My answer is 100, and that is final.

Host: You got it, Georgie Boy, and you’ve now won $800.00. You’re now on your way to winning an oil well. However, because you’ve used up all of your life lines, you’re now on your own. Lets proceed to the next question.

Georgie Boy: Fine, bring it on.

Question #5. What is the capital city of Iraq?

Answers: a) Baghdad, b) Fallujah, c) Houston, d) Iran.

Georgie Boy: Oh boy, all those answers look good to me.

Host: But you can only pick one of them for a chance to win $5,000.00 and advance to the next stage of the contest.

Georgie Boy: Can I call Dick Chaney again?

Host: No, Georgie Boy, you’ve used up all of your life lines. You’re on you own now.

Georgie Boy: A higher being tells me the right answer is Iran. So I’ll say Iran, final answer.

Host: Oh, Georgie Boy, Iran is not the correct answer. The correct answer is Baghdad. I’m afraid you’ve got to run.

Georgie Boy: Oh no, I’m going to stay the course.

Host: Georgie Boy, may be on a golf course. Good bye.

Georgie Boy: I wish you had given me these questions ahead of time, like the rest of the media does when dealing with me. Since I can’t win an Iraqi oil well on your contest, I guess I just have to get with Dick Chaney and we’ll march into Iraq and do oil well grabs our war.

By Dick Bush

1600 WMD Avenue

Dee Cee Wee Cee, America