Old and New Jokes

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him Head and Shoulders and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, How do you give shoulders?

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.



Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.



And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: Id run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, Matt Millen of the Raiders said, To win, Id run over Joes Mom, too.



Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. (1996)



Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: Im going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.



Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: You guys line up alphabetically by height. and You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.



Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: I play football. Im not trying to be a professor. The tests dont seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I havent been through in school.



Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.



Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: Thats so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.



Shaquille ONeal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: I cant really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to.



Shaquille ONeal, on his lack of championships: Ive won at every level, except college and pro.



Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: Hes a guy who gets up at six oclock in the morning regardless of what time it is.



Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his teams 7-27 record in 1992: We cant win at home. We cant win on the road. As general manager, I just cant figure out where else to play.



Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: My sisters expecting a baby, and I dont know if Im going to be an uncle or an aunt.



Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: He wants Texas back. (1981)



Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football? (1966)



Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the teams co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: Im going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too. (1981)



Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburns football dorm had destroyed 20 books: But the real tragedy was that 15 hadnt been colored yet. (1991)



Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: Im not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating. (1986)



Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: Its basically the same, just darker. (1991)



Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid Id get shot. (1996)



Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: I told him, Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy? He said, Coach, I dont know and I dont care. (1991)



Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.



Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: Son, looks to me like youre spending too much time on one subject.



Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.

Two guys are out hunting deer…



The first guy says, Did you see that?…pointing to the sky.

No, the second guy says.

Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead! the first guy says.

Oh, says the second guy.



A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, Did you see that?

See what? the second guy asks.

Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!

Yah, Ok, says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.



A few minutes later the first guy says: Did you see that?

This time pointing behind them.



By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, Yah, I SAW IT!



And the first guy says: Then why did you step in it?

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.



A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again.



Then out of the crowd steps THE DEFENDER!!!!



Mr. Policeman, says the defender, Im not a priest. Im not even a Catholic. But for many years now Im living behind St. Elizabeths Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night Im listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.



The policeman agreed and brought the defender over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:



B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . .

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.



The first priest approached the window…

Young lady, he began, I would like three pickets to titsburg. Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.



The second priest approached…

Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, he began, and I would like the change in nipples and dimes. He turns red and runs away.



Then came the third…

Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say, he continued, if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates –

St. Fingers going to shake his peter at you!

A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.



He started out with a quote, Behold, I cometh….. but he couldnt remember the rest of it.



So he trys to regain his composure, backs up an starts again… Behold I cometh… but he still couldnt remember.



So he rears back and shouts again, Behold I cometh! … but this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row!



He was embarassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered…

It isnt your fault sonny – you told me you were coming three times… I should have moved!

Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering

Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on

final exams like: Why do airplanes fly?



In May a few years ago, the Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer exam

paper contained the question:



Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.



Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law or

similar. One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate

are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think

we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving.



As for souls entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that

exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a

member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than

one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one

religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With

the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of

souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of

change in the volume of Hell. Boyles Law states that in order for the

temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass

of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.



[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at

which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until

all Hell breaks loose.



[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the

increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop

until Hell freezes over.



So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan

during freshman year) that itll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep

with you, and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in

having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct;

…… thus, Hell is exothermic.



The student got the only A.

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.



The Pope says, What can I do?



The Colonel says, I need you to change the daily prayer from, Give us this day our daily bread to Give us this day our daily chicken. If you do it, Ill donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.



The Pope replies, I am sorry. That is the Lords prayer and I can not change the words.



So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.



Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. Ill give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from Give us this day our daily bread to Give us this day our daily chicken.



And the Pope responds, It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lords prayer, and I cant change the words.



So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, Give us this day our daily bread to Give us this day our daily chicken I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.



The Pope replies, Let me get back to you.



So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.



The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.



The Pope replies, The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.

It was the stockbrokers first day in prison and on meeting his psychotic-looking cell mate he became even more nervous than ever.

Dont worry, mate, said the prisoner when he noticed how scared the stockbroker looked. Im in for a white- collar crime, too,

Oh, really? said the stockbroker with a sigh of relief.

Yeah, said the prisoner. I murdered a priest.

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. Ive seen it on T.V.



He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.



The lions team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.



Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.



Late in the first half the lions team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lions team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.



Look you guys. We can win this game. Weve got the lead and they only have one real threat. Weve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, hes a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.



The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhinos team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.



Did you do this? he asked the centipede.



Yeah, I did. the centipede replied.



The lion retorted, Where were you during the first half?



I was putting on my shoes.