Ways to Torture Your Roommate at Christmas
Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.
Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santas lap. Refuse to get off.
Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny youre wearing it.
Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…
Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say youve been very naughty this year.
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.)
Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
Sing: All I want for Christmas is my roomates two front teeth…
Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesnt come to life, cry hysterically it didnt work!
Whip your roomate screaming now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.
Tear down all your roomates Christmas decorations yelling Bah Humbug!
Wake up every morning screaming Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!
Tell your roomate youre moving out. Santas buying you a house on 34th Street.
Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomates friends give it a yank.
Ring jingle bells maniacally saying every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.
Stand in front of the mirror reciting How the Grinch Stole Christmas over and over in your underwear.
Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, he sees you when youre sleeping…
Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her I had to let them stay here, theres no room at the inn.
When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santas elves must have done it.
Stuffing…
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyus cry.
The hole was wide…he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms….
And then he stuffed the turkey.
Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.
She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer if I can guess how many sheep in youre flock will you give me a sheep.
The farmer says OK.
The brunette says 485.
The farmer says thats right but if I can guess youre natural hair color can I have my sheep back.
the brunette says OK.
The farmer says blonde.
The brunette says how did you know.
The farmer says you just picked the dog.
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting 88, 88, 88, 88… until a blonde came up to her and said, that looks like fun, can I try? The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, 88, 88, 88, 88.. Well, said the brunette, that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street So the blonde said OK and stood in the middle of the street. 88, 88, 88, 88- BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, 89, 89, 89, 89…
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters,
T-G-I-F.
He smiled at her and replied, S-H-I-T. She looked at him, puzzled, and said T-G-I-F again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, S-H-I-T.
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, T-G-I-F another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, S-H-I-T.
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness Its Friday, get it?
The man answered, S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, Its Thursday.
More Blonde Q & A
Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen?
Thats the proper place to wash vegetables.
What is a Blondes favorite nursary rhyme?
Hump me dump me
What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
She was soooo blonde… she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. she sold the car for gas money. she studied for a blood test and failed. she thought a quarterback was a refund. she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. she thought Taco Bell was where you pay your phone bill. she told
me to meet her at the corner of WALK and DONT WALK. she tried to alphabetize M&Ms. she tried to drown a fish. she wrote Capricorn on the application where it said, sign here.
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, We were the first in space! The American said, We were the first on the moon! The Blonde said, So what, were going to be the first on the sun! The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. You cant land on the sun, you idiot! Youll burn up! said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, Were not stupid, you know. Were going at night!
What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?
Doughnut seeds!
Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet ?
So she wouldnt wake up the Sleeping Pills
How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
When her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her pencil!
How did the blonde hurt herself raking the lawn?
She fell out of the tree!
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. Val mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Val begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, Val grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when……..
……..the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.