One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home,he noticed that she was digging through the closet,looking for something.
When he asked her what she was doing, she said,the paint can said,for best results,to use two coats.
31
Dec
31
Dec
BACKUP – What you do when you run over a coon in the woods
BAR CODE – Thems the fightn rules down at the local tavern
BUG – The reason you give for calling out sick
CACHE – Neede when you run out of food stamps
CHIP – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL – Time to call the undertaker
CRASH – When you go to Juniors party univited
DIGITAL – The art of countining on you fingers
DISKETTE – Female Disco dancer
FAX – What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER – Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET – Where cafeteria workers put ther hair
KEYBOARD – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC – Big Bubbas favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ – How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD – Where Mickey and Minnie lives
ONLINE – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM – Where the pope lives
INTERNET – Where cafeteria workers put ther hair
KEYBOARD – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC – Big Bubbas favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ – How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD – Where Mickey and Minnie lives
ONLINE – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM – Where the pope lives
31
Dec
Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
If you aim it well enough
31
Dec
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, What have you done to enter Heaven?
I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lords babies into the world.
Good enough to enter the gates, replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.
I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor. St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, I am a director of a HMO.
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, Fine, you can enter Heaven… but only for 2 days.
31
Dec
Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?
A: Her way of not getting pregnant.
31
Dec
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, I heard you died.
But you see Im alive , smiled the friend.
Impossible, said the psychiatrist. The man who told me is much more reliable than you.
31
Dec
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?
She says, I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old. She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?
She says, Well, your name never came up.
31
Dec
A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office.
The doctor asked, What can I do for you?
The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, Just exactly what are you trying to find out?
The old man replied, Were not trying to find out anything. She is married and we cant go to her house. I am married so we cant go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctors office.
31
Dec
An old lady walks into a plastic surgeons office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years.
The old lady says Well tell me about them.
The doctor says, For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for.
She responds, Forget that one, what about the next one.
He explains, For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years.
The lady says, No, thats no good either, what about the last one.
The doctor replies, For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw.
The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!
The doctor leans back in his chair and says, Lady you arent getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, youre going to have a mustache.
31
Dec
There was a time when an apple a day kept the doctor away, but now its malpractice insurance.