Old and New Jokes

A Newfie man goes out on the town, stops in at a bar. He spots a gorgeous looking blonde and trys to pick her up.

The blonde says sorry, Im not that way inclined and points to a gorgeous looking brunnette sitting across from her at the bar. The blonde goes on to tell the Newfie all the lovely sexual things she would like to do with the Brunette.



At this point the Newfie starts to cry and the blonde asks whats wrong with you?. The Newfie responds I think I just found out Im a Lesbian too!

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender if hed pay the guy $20 if he could show him the most amazing thing in his life. The bartender agrees, and the man pulls out a small white mouse and a tiny piano. The mouse starts to play old man river on the piano.

The bartender isnt quite amazed yet.



So, the man pulls out a bullfrog, who starts singing along to the mouses playing.



The bartender admits that that is the most amazing thing hes ever seen, and gives the guy his $20.



Another guy sitting next to the man sees the frog and says Wow, I will give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog!



The man agrees, and sells him the frog.



After the man who bought the frog leaves, the bartender sez, Man, you must be insane. That frog could have made you a fortune.



The man says, Not really, the mouse is a ventroliquist too.

Two gaymen [Bobby and Peter] are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men [Peter] just cant bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.







The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and has his way with him for six hours nonstop. When hes done, the gorilla throws Peter back out of the cage







. An ambulance is called and Peter is taken away to the hospital.







The next day Bobby visits him in the hospital and asks, Are you hurt?







AM I HURT?, Peter shouts, Wouldnt you be? He hasnt called, he hasnt written…….

What you resist, you become.

There was this guy at a baseball game, and he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the mens bathroom was all filled up and he couldnt wait.

He looked over at the girls bathroom and there wasnt a line, so he went in there, entered a stall and sat to go to the bathroom.

He saw 3 buttons. Curious, he pushed the first button and went ah. He pushed the second button and went ooo. Finally, when he pushed the third and woke up in the hospital he asked, What happened?

The doctor said, Didnt you know that the third button is an automatic tampn remover?

It was time for the sex talk to their kids, Little Johnny and Little Jane.

Each parent took a kid

THE mother told Little Jane that her private spot was a garage and no boy should stick their truck in it

The father took Little Johnny aside and told his piece was a truck and should be parked in a garage when he is old enough

After their respective talks, both kids went outside to play.

Little Johnny comes running and screaming and locked himself in the bathroom.

Jane comes in with blood all over her mouth. Her mom asked, What on earth happened?!

Jane said Well, Johnny tried to park his truck in my garage so i bit off his back tires…

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldnt figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

Its a period, reported Johnnie.

Well I can see that, she said. But what is so exciting about a period.

Damned if I know, said Johnnie, but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.

What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory?

Proofread.

These three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
fathers are:

The first one says: Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow,
and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.

The second one says: Ha! You think thats fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet.

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then
says: You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant.
He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!

Q: Whats the difference between cell phones and tampons?

A: Cell phones are for assholes!!