Old and New Jokes

Once upon a time deep in the depths of the sea a sad squid was laying on the sea-bed feeling very sorry for himself and poorly.

All of a sudden a large shadow appeared above him and looking up he saw a large shark.



“Hello squiddy” said the shark “You don’t look too good what’s the matter”?



“Oh I have to get my pension today and it’s a long journey and I don’t feel very well today every thing seems to much of an effort”.



“No problem”, said the shark “I will land on the sea bed and you can climb onto my back and we will be able to get you to the post office in no time”.



The shark slowly landed next to the squid on the seabed and the squid climbed onto his back and hung on with his tenticles as the shark went off at a frightening speed for the squid.



After half an hour the shark slowed down and stopped.



All of a sudden everything went black above them and the shark and the squid looked up frightened, above them casting a great black shadow was a huge killer whale.



“Hello sharkey I’ve been looking for you, do you have anything for me” said the killer whale threatenly.



“Oh yes” said the shark, “Have a look on my back. “It’s the six quid I owe you”.

A young lady, sitting on her minnow bucket while fishing was approached by a man who asked her what she was fishing for? She replied,Im fishing for a husband! He said ,you wont catch one that way cause youre sitting on your bait!

One day, a little boy and his dad went fishing down at the lake. they were sitting there for a while without catching anything when the boys dad pulls out a beer and starts drinking it. can i have a sip of that father? asked the little boy. his father replied does your dick touch your ass? no the little boy answered. then you cant have any beerhis father added. a little while later his father pulls out a cigar and starts smoking it. can i have a puff? asked the little boy.his father replied does your dick touch your ass? no the boy answered. then you cant smoke my cigar the father added. after a while the boy hooks a big fish and starts to real it in. once it was realed all the way in they realized that it was not a fish, but it was a big wodden box. they opened the box to out find that it was full of money. can i have some of your money son? asked the boys father. the boy replied does your dick touch your ass?. yes his father answered. the little boy concluded well then go fuck yourself.

When the police came up tp this man and sayedu cant go fishing her the man sayed im not im giving my pet worm a bath.

There was three guys that were fishing out in the ocean. After a while of not catching anything,one guy yells,Ive got something! So they all rush over and help pull it in. They pulled for hours until inside the boat was a mermaid.

She plead for them to let her go and when they wouldnt , she said, Ill grant you each one wish if you let me go.



THe men agreed.



THe first guy said, Make me three times smarter than I already am.Poof, and then he started quoting shakespear perfectly.



The second guy seeing this said make me 10 times smarter. poof and then he figured out math problems that famous mathemations had been pondering for years.



The third guy said, make me 20 times smarter. The mermaid said, sir consider that carefully. He didnt listen to her and said, make me twenty times smarter!



And poof, he turned into a woman.

A game warden spots a young lad walking down the street with 30 large catfish in his arms. He stops and asks the young fellow where he managed to catch all those fish. The young boy points and says just over yonder. The game warden says boy, Ive been fishing around these parts for years….and I never got those many fish…..can I go fishing with you tomorrow? The boy gladly says yes and asked the warden to join him first thing in the morning by a certain area.

The next morning the warden and the young boy head out. The boy rows the boat out 50 feet and then stops. The warden asks what he was doing and the boy says this is where we are going to fish. The warden says Ive fished here before and never got many fish. It was then that the little boy pulls a stick of dynamite out of a box, lights it and throws it out into the water. A loud explosion follows and many dead fish float to the surface. The game warden is amazed and angry and says to the boy, that he cant do that and that he will have to arrest the young lad for fishing that way.





The young lad calmly pulls out another stick of dynamite, lights it, and hands it to the game warden and says…..whatca going to do…bitch about it…..or fish.

Man walks up to bank teller and saysI wanna open a damn savings account Teller says thats fine sir,but you dont have to use profanity,to which the man replys,just let me have a goddamn savings accout. Sir,the teller says,that type of language will not be tolerated here,perhaps you should speak to my boss. FINE,says the man,get the son of a bitch.The tellers boss comes over and says,what seems to be the problem? The man says,I just won 5 million in the lottery,and all I want to do is open a goddamn savings account. and the boss says,And this Bitch wont help you?

What does Philip Christy and Elton John have in common? They both play the skin flute!!!

It has come to our attention recently that many of you



have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts



of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (Code 5309). However,



we need to know exactly what you are doing during your



unproductive time.



Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended



job code list based on our observations of employee activities.



The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of



precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.



Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let



us know about any difficulties you encounter.



Thank you,



Accounting



Attached: Extended Job-Code List



. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



Code Description



****************



5316 – Useless Meeting



5317 – Obstructing Communications at Meeting



5318 – Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting



5319 – Waiting for Break



5320 – Waiting for Lunch



5321 – Waiting for End of Day



5322 – Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker



5323 – Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While



Coworker is Not Present



5393 – Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend



5400 – Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not



Interested in Learning



5401 – Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid



5402 – Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You



5481 – Buying Snack



5482 – Eating Snack



5500 – Filling Out Timesheet



5501 – Inventing Timesheet Entries



5502 – Waiting for Something to Happen



5503 – Scratching Yourself



5504 – Sleeping



5510 – Feeling Bored



5511 – Feeling Horny



5600 – Complaining About Lousy Job



5601 – Complaining About Low Pay



5602 – Complaining About Long Hours



5603 – Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)



5604 – Complaining About Boss



5605 – Complaining About Personal Problems



5640 – Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining



5701 – Not Actually Present At Job



5702 – Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu



6102 – Ordering Out



6103 – Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive



6104 – Taking It Easy While Digesting Food



6200 – Using Company Resources for Personal Profit



6201 – Stealing Company Goods



6202 – Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company



Goods



6203 – Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls



6204 – Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls



to Sell Stolen Company Goods



6205 – Hiding from Boss



6206 – Gossip



6207 – Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)



6210 – Feeling Sorry For Yourself



6211 – Updating Resume



6212 – Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter



6213 – Out of Office on Interview



6221 – Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching



6222 – Pretending to Enjoy Your Job



6223 – Pretending You Like Coworker



6224 – Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality



They Are Jerks



6238 – Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing



6350 – Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl



6601 – Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)



6602 – Complaining



6603 – Writing a Book on Company Time



6611 – Staring Into Space



6612 – Staring At Computer Screen



6615 – Transcendental Meditation



6969 – Beating off in Broom Closet



7281 – Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)



7400 – Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone



7401 – Talking With Plumber on Phone



7402 – Talking With Dentist on Phone



7403 – Talking With Doctor on Phone



7404 – Talking With Masseuse on Phone



7405 – Talking With House Painter on Phone



7406 – Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone



7419 – Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone



7425 – Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone



7931 – Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity



8000 – Recreational Drug Use



8001 – Non-Recreational Drug Use



8002 – Liquid Lunch



8100 – Reading e-mail



8102 – Laughing while reading e-mail

Yo mama so poor ,when i rang the doorbell at yo house,she stuck her bald, over wrinkeled face out the the window and saidding dong.