Old and New Jokes

There were two blondes going to Disneyland. They saw this road sign that said Disneyland left, so they turned around and went home.

10 reasons why sex is better than a joke



10.Everybody likes sex & nobody likes work, except virgins & only because they havent had sex yet





9. sex moans, licks,throbs,pumps ect.,work just sucks





8. after sex you feel like smoking a cigarette after work you feel like smoking something a lot stronger





7.you only get punished during sex if you want to





6.drinking drives people to sex, work drives people to drink





5. sex rlieves stress, work is the cause of stress





4. nothing beats the hands on experence you get with sex





3. after sex you feel as if you accomplished something.





2. sex is quicker than work. at work you have to stay for at least 8 hours





1. with sex you atleast have a choice whether or not you want sex. at work you employers fuck you regardless.

Whats the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian?

Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker.

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn’t know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside just hollering to get out?

Well, now you CAN be a redneck!

You will only have to purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That’s all you will need to start!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.

1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive with an important professional job; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex.

FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined leather shoes. Peel off fancy socks.

DO THIS NOW! It is NOT optional!

Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so don’t deceive yourself – this will be a challenge. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.

Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.

2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on.

You MUST remain barefoot.

If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on – resist this!

Note: You may feel embarrassed or concerned about your dignity. At any time, you may call our hotline and we will provide support from bona fide bubba counselors. Your dignity will soon disappear – do not worry!

4) This will be your greatest challenge: Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.

Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.

Use necktie to wipe nose.

Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.

Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise impeccable business suit. Belch. Let out a boisterous laugh.

5) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Dribble on business suit. Discarded dress socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet.

6) Place tobacco in mouth. Practice spitting stream of tobacco juice on to computer screen or on polished office floor or on important presentation or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit or those Brooks Brothers shoes.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See step #3

7) Remove natty necktie, cufflinks, pocket square, tiepin, suspenders and Rolex. Drop all items in garbage can.

8) Strip off expensive Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Add briefcase, cell phone and daytimer. Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet. Rip up Ivy League diploma.

Note: Removal of suit will be traumatic for uppity businessmen. Be prepared for shock to system.

9) Put on overalls.

10) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

11) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying, prestigious, white-collar job and stop working altogether.

Alternative: become a garbageman or janitor or sling hash in a diner.

12) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.

13) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.

14) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.

15) Bathe ONLY twice a week.

16) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all “NG” endings from words – “havin” instead of “having”. Learn to yelp and woop and holler.

17) Sell Porsche.

18) Buy used pickup.

19) Sell condo and furniture.

20) Buy backwoods shack and shotgun rack.

21) Give or throw away all remaining business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts and accessories.

Exception: Give tuxedo and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black-tie events to the homeless man you used to ignore.

22) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to redneck charity. You will not need money.

23) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss episodes. Also, be prepared to defend the position that professional wrasslin is real and not scripted entertainment.

24) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack. If possible, make use of cinder blocks where tires should be.

25) Have name changed legally from “Mark”, “Andrew”, or “Kevin” to “Cletus”, “Bubba”, “Rufus”, or anything ending in -bob, such as Jim-bobor Billy-bob.

Congratulations! You, sir are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming! Satisfaction Guaranteed!

If a bird can fly, can a fly bird?

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a police roadblock!! Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!

Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.

What fer?, asked Bubba.

Just let me do the talkin, OK?, said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin?

No, sir, said Earl while pointing at the labels. Were on the patch.

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number twos hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, What is this? to which lawyer number one replies, Its that $50 I owe you.

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, Tonight Im the designated decoy.

Youre so fat, you jumped in the air and got stuck.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
country is totally ruined and the government doesnt know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.. Other Latin American countries are sending
supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!