Old and New Jokes

The incredibly dumb

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps its not Walter whos lacking intelligence.

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Mans Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it, Payne said. It wouldnt go off and this guy said, III show you how to set it off.

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.

(Sing along to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didnt matter cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is.
Criminal record.
Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He cant spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin out with student folk.
And thats when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is.
White gold.
Nose candy.

The next thing you know theres a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, George, stay at home with Mom.
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
Well buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is.
Country clubs.
Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, Now the White House is the place I wanna be.
So he called his daddys friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is.
Falwell.
Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said Jeb, give the boy your state!
Dont let those colored folks get into the polls.
So they put up barricades so they couldnt punch their holes.
Chads, that is.
Duval County.
Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters Hey, we want George to win.
Stop counting votes! was their solemn invocation.
And thats how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is.
Illegitimate.
No moral authority.

Yall come vote now, ya hear?

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washingtons ghost in the White House. Bush asks: George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. Tom, George asks, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, Jefferson advises.

Bush isnt sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. Its Abraham Lincolns ghost. Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Bush asks. Abe answers flatly, Go see a play.

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

Well, sir, were from Texas, and were used to the heat, says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. Ill check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS. He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. Well, sir, explains a Texan, when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this aint hardly nothing. The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.

Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let s see what happens when I turn OFF the heat, he says as he heads to the thermostat. Ill check on them tomorrow.

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans campsite, and they are all whoopin and hollerin and drinkin the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin like there is no tomorrow.

I dont get it, the Devil says, completely defeated. I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, Look around! Hell is frozen over. Thats just gotta mean George Bush got re-elected.

The Pope visits Washington and President Bush takes him for a ride down the Potomac on the presidential yacht. Theyre enjoying themselves when a gust of wind blows the Popes hat (zucchetto) off and out onto the water. The Secret Service begins to launch a boat but Bush waves them off saying, Wait. Ill take care of this.

Bush steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water, walks out a ways and picks up the hat. Back on board, he hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the Washington Post carries the story complete with photos under the heading: BUSH CANT SWIM.

During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him Mr. President, I got 3 questions:

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Dont you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him Mr. President, I got 5 questions:

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Dont you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Wheres Bobby?

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.



The judge said, You seem like nice young men, and Id like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. Ill see you back in court Monday.





Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,



How did you do over the weekend?



Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.



17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them?



I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.





Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd guy)



Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.



156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that!



Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, This is your asshole before prison….