A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
But how will I let you know the baby is born?she asked. He replied, Just send me a postcard and write spaghetti on the back. Ill take care of expenses.
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctors wife called him at the office and said, Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I dont understand what it means.
The doctor said, Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you. Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldnt help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading his moms thoughts, John volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, Ever since your mother came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose she took it, do you?
John said, Well, I doubt it, but Ill write her a letter just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, Im not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said Dear Son, Im not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Im worried about my daughters boyfriend. I told him she had to be home by 10:15 and he said, October 15? Cool!
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.
The second deaf man signed back, Boy youre lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.
The first deaf man asked, So, what did you do?
The second man replied, I turned out the light.
So, a seceratary was leaving the office
when she saw the CEO standing in front
of the paper shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand. Excuse me. said the
CEO, This is a very important document.
Could you get this thing to work? so the
seceratary tuned on the machine,
inserted the paper and pressed the start
button and the paper went. Great, said
the CEO, I just need one copy.
A rookie officer pulled over a guy who was speeding.
officer:May I see your license?
Man:It is not valid.It has been revoked 5 times.
officer:Well then can I please see the registration to the car?
Man:this is not my car.I carjacked it.
Officer:Well open up the glove box and let me see who it is regitered to.
Man:I cant open up the glove box,it has my loaded gun in there
About this time the officer is reaching for his gun.
Officer:Well what do you have a gun in the glove box for?
Man:Oh, I used to kill my wife who is stuffed in the trunk.
The officer goes over and calls for backup.The police chief comes over and says,
Chief:Let me get this straight, you are driving on a license that has been revoked 5 times?
Man: No, Here, take a look,
And sure enough it was valid
Chief:Okay,but you carjacked this car?
Man:No it is my car.Let me get the registration out of the glove box and show you.
Chief:But dont you have a loaded gun in there ?
Man:NO
And sure enough there was no gun in there and the car belonged to the man.
Chief:Well it is my understanding that you shot your wife and she is in the trunk.
Man:No,let me open it for you.
And sure enough there was nobody in the trunk.
Man: And let me guess,The lying son-of-a-gun probably told you I was speeding too!
The girl asked her lover, Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?
Sure, replied her lover Whats your phone number?
A mans wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of drinks, one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they have had their fun, he realizes it is 3AM and says, Oh no, its so late, my wife is going to kill me! Do you have any talcum powder?
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. Where the hell have you been?!
Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.
Oh yeah? Let me see your hands! She sees his hands are covered with powder. You liar! You went bowling again!
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?
The woman shot her an angry look, Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!
The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: Who was that woman?!
Take it easy, honey, said the groom, Im going to have trouble enough explaining you to her.