Old and New Jokes

What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored!

What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!

What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
Because education pays off in the long run!

What is a runners favourite subject in school?
Jog-raphy!

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
Ince pies!

A man was in a terrible car accident, and his manhood was mangled and literally torn from his body (Ouch!). He was quickly rushed to the hospital…

Doctor Schwartz assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood and even better than before! But, his doctor said, the insurance companies dont cover the surgery, since it is considered cosmetic.

Doctor Schwartz explained that the cost would be $3,500.00 for the small version, $6,500.00 for the medium, and $14,000.00 for the whopper.

The man said that he was positive that he wanted the largest penis.

Doctor Schwartz strongly urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision, since she also should be asked about what actually would give her the most pleasure.

As the doctor left the room, the man quickly called his wife on the phone and explained all their options.

A little while later Doctor Schwartz returned to his patients room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

Well, what have the two of you decided? asked the Doctor.

The man somberly answered, She decided that shed rather use all of the money to remodel the kitchen!

A big, burly man visited the pastors home and asked to see the ministers wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

Madam, he said in a broken voice, I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.

How terrible! exclaimed the preachers wife. May I ask who you are?

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. Im the landlord, he sobbed.

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, If I had all the beer in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.With even greater emphasis he said, And if I had all the wine in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

And then finally, he said, And if I had all the whiskey in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: Shall We Gather at the River.

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didnt want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, What shall I do?

A voice came back from the heavens saying, Repaint, and thin no more!

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! Youve never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillarys high school love.

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.

She smirked and replied, No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

Its crowded & dirty and full of Italians. Youre crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?

Were taking TWA, was the reply. We got a great rate!

TWA? exclaimed the barber. Thats a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and theyre always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?

Well be at the downtown International Marriott.

That dump! Thats the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and theyre overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?

Were going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.

Thats rich, laughed the barber. You and a million other people trying to see him. Hell look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. Youre going to need it.

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

It was wonderful, explained the man, not only were we on time in one of TWAs brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! Theyd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now its the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!

Well, muttered the barber, I know you didnt get to see the pope.

Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if Id be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.

Really? asked the Barber. Whatd he say?

He said, Whered you get the lousy haircut?