One day, Josh went over to Bens to have a look at the small yacht he was selling. Ben had it on dry land because it had a small gash in its keel. But other then that, what a fine yacht it was….a mahogany deck, the latest in navigational gears, including a state of the art fish-finder. Ben wanted just $5,000 for it and assured Josh he would even have the keel repaired himself.
Well, Josh needed time to think it over so off he went fishing. He took his small aluminum boat out into the bay and it wasnt 5 minutes later, when he got his first bite. He pulled his line in and found he had caught a nice-sized cod. As he was taking the hook out, the fish spoke to him:
Fish: Please release me, let me go. I am the last of my species and if you put me back in the water, I will grant you a wish.
Josh thought for a second and then said, I wish this here small boat of mine, was a small yacht just like Bens.
The following day, Josh was found clinging to a buoy after the small yacht he was fishing in, sank from damage to its keel.
A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, Do you live here?
No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful, he answered.
The wife said, Are you a genie?
Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself, the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes…one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, Done!
The genie now said, For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, How long have you been married? to which she responded, Three years. The genie then asked, How old is your husband? to which she responded, 31 years old. The genie then asked, How long has he believed in this genie stuff?
Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?
The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.
The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice. The clothes probably wouldnt have fit.
If someone says, I cant get to a web page.
Okay, whats the page you are trying to get to?
friend@yahoo.com? Hmmm… I think I see the problem.
When you ask your operator to take you to www.ebay.com,
are you saying, Please?
Did you delete and icon labelled The Internet from your computer?
You did? Well, it will take years to restore the entire Internet; in the
meantime, the F.B.I. would like to have a word with you.
There was a guy bar hopping and he stopped in a bar. he asked the bar tender where the bathroom is, this guy was dead drunk and he was wabbling side to side down the hall to the bathroom, 5 minutes after he went in there everyone in the bar heard a blood curdling scream, the bar tender said ahh its only a 1 time thing, hell be ok, 5 minutes later he heasrd a blood curdling scream 2 times as loud as the first, the bar tender goes into the bathroom and finds this guy squatin down and the guy says bar tender there is something wrong woth your john every time i flush this thing sqeezes the heck out of my balls, the bartender says dude your sitting on the mop bucket.
Q: How many programmers dose it take to changr a lightbilb?
A:None…thats a harware issue.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. After hes done, he says to the bartender, So what do I owe ya? And so the bartender responds, Oh, youre free of charge.
Microsoft:
YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
*****yes!******
OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WERE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. ITS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE ANTI-TRUST NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.
ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.
THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?
THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.
But Im using it at this very moment.
THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isnt working with the mother board then I cant very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasnt…
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE – MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?
YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DONT LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.
Well what *DOES* work?
THE MOUSE.
The mouse?
YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I dont have a 5 1/4 drive.
YES YOU DO.
No I dont.
WHATS THAT THEN?
Its a 3 1/2 drive.
NO IT ISNT.
Yes it is.
YOURE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.
Look, can you just install XP on my system and Ill download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?
WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?
Well it is mine.
NO IT ISNT.
It bloody well is.
NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. ITS OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.
But why?
BECAUSE THATS HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CANT VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? ILL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THATS WHERE. I… HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOURE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHATS ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOURE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE……….
C:>
A mother and daughter were walking through the park one sunny afternoon. They passed a bench where two teenagers were making out. The daughter turns to her mother and asks
What are they doing?
The mother stutters and replies
They are making cakes dear
The next day the mother took the daughter to the zoo. They went to see the gorillas. When they got there the gorillas were shagging in the cage. Again the daughter turns to the mother and asks
What are they doing?
The mother is not as shocked and remembers what she had said to her daughter in the park.
They are making cakes dear
That night the mother and father got jiggy on the sofa. The next morning the daughter comes into the kitchen and asks her mother
Mum, were you and dad making cakes on the sofa last night?
The mother was very embarrassed and turn to her daughter and said
Why dear?
To that the daughter replied
Because i just licked the icing off of the sofa
Two gay men{ Bobby and Peter) wre walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men (Peter) just cant bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs Peter, drags him into the cage and has his way with him for six hours nonstop. When hes done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and Peter is taken away to the hospital.
The next day Bobby visits him in the hospital and asks, Are you hurt?
AM I HURT?, Peter shouts, Wouldnt you be? He hasnt called, he hasnt written…….