With apologies to Mr Poe
As I kneel, head bowed, puking,
as I choke and snort my sputum
croaking, coughing, retching, groaning,
on the bathroom floor,
I think, though brain is dizzy,
things Ive never thought before
Things Ive missed, though often spewing,
or somehow managed to ignore
While I lie bedraggled,
on the stinking cold hard floor.
Now with head a-throbbing,
oer the great white bowl Im bobbing,
Bobbing, throbbing, weaving, chucking,
surely there can be no more?
No more vomit I lay praying,
Jesus! save me now, and seal my maw
And send a team of maidens
to mop this stinking cold hard floor
And if you do, I promise,
on my honour, Nevermore!
But lo! my guts ill-fated,
and my heaves are unabated,
And now my thoughts turn back
to whence they were before,
As Im squirming, smacking, flopping,
like a spastic being ignored.
And no maidens do I hear,
not one wet-wipe does appear,
Nought but dread convulsions
on the stinking cold hard floor.
Tis curious, I wonder,
as I purge more sauce-filled chunder,
How the saucy slick of chunder,
appears, oh what a wonder!
As a likeness of myself
such as Ive never seen before
As a likeness of myself,
writhing on the cold hard floor
And the likeness set me thinking,
how my doping, not my drinking,
could result in such a stinking,
stinking on the cold hard floor.
And two things I did conclude,
Thank you, torrid interlude!
And thank you Gods, all praise to you,
for theres truth in floating spew.
Theres this cucumber thats dating this tomato.
the tomato says to the cucumber; i dont really like you.
so the cucumber replies; thats ok, cuz youre not my type!
*note-this joke works especially well on irritating telephone solicitors*
There was a man on his way to work. and his truck ran out of gas. so he gets out looks around.theres a house about 3/4 of a mile down the rode. And another house about 1/2 mile . So he decides to go to the closest one. He gets to house and is about to knock. when he looks in the window. he sees a man sitting in a recliner. wacking his pud and twirling his finger in a fish tank. there also was a olady standing infront of him pushing a lawnmower back and forth on the carpert. so hes like fuck this im going to the other house. he gets there. knocks and a man anwsers the door. he asks whats the problem. he tells the man about him running out of gas about 3/4 of a mile down the road. he telles him yeh ill help. but first. will you tell me why you didnt go to the house 1/2 mile away? the man replys .i did but there fuckin crazy!! i got there and there was a man wacking his pud. with his other hand in the fish tank. twirling his finger around and an olady running a lawnmower back and forth across the capet!!! the man says there not crazy. there acouple of deaf mutes !! the olady is telling him to go mow the lawn. and hes saying. go fuck your self im going fishing!!!!!!
A little boy was selling fish at the corner. Damn fish here! Get your Damn fish here! When a bishop walks by. My son you dont have to use such profoned launguage. he says No Sir. i got them from a Dam. so the bishop byes some and went home.
He hand s his wife the fish and saysHoney will you cook my Damn Fish? the wife replies No i got them from a boy who got them from a Dam.
so the wife cooks them. later on at dinner time the father the mother and there son were all eating when the dad says to the son Please pass the Damn Fish. the boy says Right on dad! will you please pass the Fucking potatos?
You dont have to hide your fishing magazines.
Its perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with
you once in
a while.
Your fishing partner doesnt get upset about people you
fished with long
ago.
Its perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.
When you see a really good fisher person, you dont have to
feel guilty
about imagining the two of you fishing in boat
together.
If your regular fishing partner isnt available, he/she
wont object if
you fish with someone else.
Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you fish
by yourself.
You can have a fishing calendar on your wall at the office,
tell fishing
jokes, and invite co-workers to fish with you
without getting sued for
harassment.
There are no fishing-transmitted diseases.
If you want to watch fishing on television, you dont have
to subscribe
to the Playboy channel.
Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the
rest of your life.
Your fishing partner will never say, Not again? We just
fished last week!
Is fishing all you ever think about?
Once upon a time deep in the depths of the sea a sad squid was laying on the sea-bed feeling very sorry for himself and poorly.
All of a sudden a large shadow appeared above him and looking up he saw a large shark.
“Hello squiddy†said the shark “You don’t look too good what’s the matter�
“Oh I have to get my pension today and it’s a long journey and I don’t feel very well today every thing seems to much of an effortâ€.
“No problemâ€, said the shark “I will land on the sea bed and you can climb onto my back and we will be able to get you to the post office in no timeâ€.
The shark slowly landed next to the squid on the seabed and the squid climbed onto his back and hung on with his tenticles as the shark went off at a frightening speed for the squid.
After half an hour the shark slowed down and stopped.
All of a sudden everything went black above them and the shark and the squid looked up frightened, above them casting a great black shadow was a huge killer whale.
“Hello sharkey I’ve been looking for you, do you have anything for me†said the killer whale threatenly.
“Oh yes†said the shark, “Have a look on my back. “It’s the six quid I owe youâ€.
A young lady, sitting on her minnow bucket while fishing was approached by a man who asked her what she was fishing for? She replied,Im fishing for a husband! He said ,you wont catch one that way cause youre sitting on your bait!
One day, a little boy and his dad went fishing down at the lake. they were sitting there for a while without catching anything when the boys dad pulls out a beer and starts drinking it. can i have a sip of that father? asked the little boy. his father replied does your dick touch your ass? no the little boy answered. then you cant have any beerhis father added. a little while later his father pulls out a cigar and starts smoking it. can i have a puff? asked the little boy.his father replied does your dick touch your ass? no the boy answered. then you cant smoke my cigar the father added. after a while the boy hooks a big fish and starts to real it in. once it was realed all the way in they realized that it was not a fish, but it was a big wodden box. they opened the box to out find that it was full of money. can i have some of your money son? asked the boys father. the boy replied does your dick touch your ass?. yes his father answered. the little boy concluded well then go fuck yourself.
When the police came up tp this man and sayedu cant go fishing her the man sayed im not im giving my pet worm a bath.
There was three guys that were fishing out in the ocean. After a while of not catching anything,one guy yells,Ive got something! So they all rush over and help pull it in. They pulled for hours until inside the boat was a mermaid.
She plead for them to let her go and when they wouldnt , she said, Ill grant you each one wish if you let me go.
THe men agreed.
THe first guy said, Make me three times smarter than I already am.Poof, and then he started quoting shakespear perfectly.
The second guy seeing this said make me 10 times smarter. poof and then he figured out math problems that famous mathemations had been pondering for years.
The third guy said, make me 20 times smarter. The mermaid said, sir consider that carefully. He didnt listen to her and said, make me twenty times smarter!
And poof, he turned into a woman.